Candida Morvillo: «Those who love madly, but argue furiously, write to me because jealousy, neglect, indifference, children are involved, or “just” because, afterwards, it’s nice to make peace. Spouses and long-term partners who don’t speak to each other write to me and that’s okay, but then, what is that sense of anguish? They write to me people who no longer love and therefore betray, or who love, and yet, betray. In short, if love was already liquid, now it seems to have evaporated. It should be saved from extinction before it is too late.”
Let’s talk about love with Candida Morvillo
He is dedicating himself to this arduous task Candida Morvillosignature of the Corriere della Sera, which responds to the “Posta del Cuore” in the Corriere del Mezzogiorno and in the blog For NothingCandida. From the letters and interviews with famous people who confess everything to her, absolutely everything, the reflections of a six-step quasi-manual were born, You are a genius of love and you don’t know it (HarperCollins), a journey into feelings, into the pain of love, sadly democratic, in the search for “the right one”, in coming out.
Premise: “Let’s talk about love because there’s not much else worth talking about. I interviewed actors, politicians, archi-stars, singers, writers, astronauts. We call them “characters” but, in the end, they are like us. With each of them, we ended up talking about love.” In the book we find Antonio Banderas exhausted by a jealous scene from his then wife Melanie GriffithCarolina Crescentini who says she doesn’t want to get married, but then does it twice with the same husband, Federica Pellegrini who kindly argues with her Matteo Giunta, Claudio Santamaria and Francesca Barra who had their sentimental imprinting at a very young age.
You are a genius of love and you don’t know it by Candida Morvillo, HarperCollins€9.99
But we also find perfect strangers with an infinite number of variations on the theme and disorders of the heart: «There are those who declare themselves satisfied with hopping from one appointment to another, the “single and happily”, the polyamorous, the pansexual, the asexual, the fluids, the open couples and the open exes who feel bad if we talk about their past. The strangest situation? The metrosexual in love with no wax (in the sense of waxing, ed) against hair removal...».
The ideal person does not exist Candida Morvillo has understood «a wonderful thing: we are born with all the answers we need to be happy but we usually let ourselves be influenced by our mother and society. That is: from education, complexes, stereotypes, taboos and the opinions of others, be it a church, a party or a fashion trend. To love and to be loved, it is enough to dismantle this apparatus of interference.
We should learn love in school
According to Erich Fromm, love requires soul-to-soul contact. It’s all here, and while it sounds difficult, it’s remarkably easy. In our essence, we are all geniuses of love without knowing it. Nobody explains it to us. They should teach love in school and maybe do remedial courses for adults.” You are a genius of love and you don’t know it works enough for recovery course. It teaches, as a first step to restore value to love, in curious harmony with the new romantic comedies (a dozen have been released in recent days).
The nature of lovepresented at the Cannes Film Festival, box office hit in France, brings together the philosophy teacher and the carpenter, Sophia and Sylvain, she a wealthy intellectual, he a simple boy, he answers the second question: How do you find the right person? Morvillo advises: «We must avoid the most common mistake, that is, having an “ideal person” in mind: brunette, blue eyes, tall, athletic, with Einstein’s intelligence, sense of humor and sex appeal. In our heads there is perfection, which cannot be found in reality. Dating apps have accustomed us to discarding candidates at the first, summary, exam. However, getting to know someone requires patience and, above all, listening. In the century of short relationships, love can seem like fun. It’s like living at an amusement park and jumping from one ride to another. It makes you feel like you’re still six years old. It makes you believe you can eat cotton candy of all colors.”
The uncertainty of meetings
It’s Mack’s life in Players – Love is a team game (on Netflix): She and her friend Adam compete in the art of towing, invent boarding techniques and even have competition judges who award points for each achievement. She will find out that it cannot go on like this because neither mathematics nor beliefs apply to love. In Trip to Japan the writer Sidonie, a widow, accompanied by the ghost of her husband, unexpectedly rediscovers herself and the creative streak she thought lost in the first restrained, then affectionate meeting with her publisher, a profound and enigmatic man. Cinema tells well about the uncertainty of encounters, the difficulty in opening up and getting to know each other. At any age, the same mistakes are often made.
For Morvillo, «instead of speaking to impress and only asking ourselves: “Will I be liked?”, we should keep in mind that the other must first of all like us. First dates exist to tune in, ask lots of questions and really listen to the answers.” Yet despite the manuals and common sense, the mail of the heart is full of letters about sick loves (avoiding them is the third step). Why does this happen? «Because we know how to imagine (and therefore recognize) only the wrong people. Or in the name of a misunderstood sense of love, we think that intensity means suffering. Successful women like Heather Parisi have suffered psychological and physical violence. I too, when I was much younger (the word “femicide” had not yet been invented), had a boyfriend who was about to strangle me. He didn’t succeed. We were on the street and a car passed: the headlights persuaded him to release his grip on my neck and take me home. It was the classic “last appointment”. I left him, but he didn’t give up and I gave in to him “let’s see each other one last time”. That evening I understood that you should never go on a last date».
The “small divorces” that are good for you
Someone reacts to pain by giving up, as in an old song by Catherine Spaak and Johnny Dorelli: Falling in love means that/ You give your heart to an intruder/ He gives it back to you when it’s out of order/ I, no, I don’t fall in love anymore. Candida did it too: «I said to myself: “I’m fine alone”, “I don’t need anyone”. Instead, love is the most overwhelming drive that exists. The right meeting is not with the best person, but with the one who improves you». And if this belief wasn’t already in us, comedy Everyone except you (Shakespearean inspiration, endless misunderstandings, two who seem to hate each other, as often happens, and yet are made to be together) would not be among the most watched films.
Of course, the happy ending is easy, the “forever” is difficult: if everything is consumed, how do we build love, the fourth step? «With patience and maintaining the desire, which is only possible if you remain two distinct people» says Morvillo. «There is no one recipe for everyone. Mapi Danna and Claudio Cecchetto experiment with “small divorces”: the divorce of sleep, the divorce of the hotel… Different rooms even in the hotel. You don’t have to do everything together. Another important thing: argue without getting hurt. Learn to talk to each other. And always have a “memory box” at hand, a reservoir to draw on when the present seems to offer no reasons to move forward. Doing beautiful things together helps us to be able to say to ourselves: “If we were happy, we can be happy again”. But the road is long. No story can last without a project (fifth step). Living together, getting married, having children or do something that has a long-term horizon.
Nora, protagonist of the refined, romantic Past Lives nominated for an Oscar for best film and best original screenplay, says it with a beautiful metaphor, dealing with the past: «Getting married is like planting two trees in one pot. The roots must find their place». This way you can grow, even when struggling, and overcome crises (sixth step).
Says Willy Pasini, sexologist very famous, 85 years old, married for 57 years: «Today we ask the couple something that, before, we asked the lover: to always be like those who bungee jump under bridges with elastic. Instead, in the long term, the couple is a den, tenderness, stable affections. When something doesn’t work, and it happens, you have to remember that love is not a cell phone. You can change that, but for love maybe it’s worth looking for updates.”
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