Grandma: “My daughter and son-in-law recently became parents of a beautiful daughter, and my daughter was given birth by caesarean section. They live in a small apartment and therefore decided, instead of a maternity drink, to invite the maternity visitors in small groups after a few weeks.”
“Their friends immediately turned it into a family outing. Couples came along with all their children, who then turned the whole tent into a frenzy. Walk across the windowsills to jump from there onto the sofa as if it were a trampoline and end up by somersaulting over the coffee table on the carpet. Standing in the kitchen, spreading rusks and eating them. What fun. My daughter and son-in-law were astonished. The parents themselves did not intervene. To what extent can you help other children correct when your own parents are present?”
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Keep light
Liesbeth Groenhuijsen: “‘Correction’ is a harsh term. In the home of your daughter and son-in-law, their rules apply. So of course they can say: ‘How nice to have you there! You are very welcome. We just want to ask you to keep our new things intact for a while, so preferably no climbing and jumping. It is also still a bit too busy for us just after the birth.’ Such a connecting way of talking is much lighter than correcting.”
“These are wise lessons for the jumping children. They mean no harm and if you explain this in a friendly way, they learn at an early age to take other people’s rules, property and circumstances into account.”
“If the message does not come across in this way, I would not address the children themselves, but do it through the parents. Then take the father or mother in question aside. ‘I understand that your children want to play for a while, but it is really too busy for us.'”
“Something often changes in the circle of friends when people have children. Then you see that new groups of young parents emerge who adhere to the same rules and pedagogical vision. A selection automatically takes place.”
Whispering
Louis Tavecchio: “Grandfathers and grandmothers of your and my generation, often raised in large families themselves, are often surprised that there is no open intervention when children cross a border. Once upon a time you would just hear: ‘Hey, stop that immediately!’ That really is a generational difference.”
“Criticism about parenting is very sensitive among contemporary parents. They are quickly offended when they are confronted in public about the behavior of their children. It is wise to be diplomatic about this.”
“In this situation, your son-in-law could well have taken one of the parents present aside and said: ‘Gosh, my wife just gave birth by caesarean section, it’s all still a bit exciting, could it be a little quieter?’”
“A diversionary maneuver can also work. ‘There is a playground down here where the children can move around, so they don’t have to sit still. Shall I show it?’ Young children are simply lively and noisy. It is very normal in such situations that one of the parents takes all the children to kick a ball. If you are present as a grandmother, you can also whisper this to one of the parents.”
“A maternity visit to parents in these circumstances should last no more than one and a half. Perhaps this small apartment could create a play corner with some puzzles, coloring pages and Lego to spend that short time together.”
Liesbeth Groenhuijsen is a clinical educator. Louis Tavecchio is emeritus professor of family pedagogy at the University of Amsterdam.
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