“THEand friends are a great asset, especially as you get older. You recognize them by their eyes: you understand if there is a match. As you get older you become more selective, you notice whether a person gives you energy or takes it away, and since you have less and less energy, you make choices.” Carla Signorisa luminous sixty-six year old, actress as well as Mrs. Crozza and mother of two sons, knows what she’s talking about. Not just because he is a veteran Whales. Friends foreverthe RaiUno drama which has always been the evening champion between September and October (now available on Raiplay), but because she is a conscious and humanly rich woman. “We talk more, we have less shame in opening up, while relationships between men are often linked to sport, or playing together.”
Not only that: to survive the multitasking of life, we women often form complicit relationships with other mothers, with the neighbor, with an acquaintance. That is, we have the habit of sharing, discussing and helping. But pure friendship is a beautiful jumble, complicated, powerful, wonderfulbefore and after retirement age. Aristotle, more than two thousand years ago, divided this precious and complex relationship into three: friendship based on pleasure, that on interest and the last on goodness.
Let’s add: the instinctive one, from elective affinities, of complicity between souls, sung in many books, by the world best seller The brilliant friend by Elena Ferrante to the classic of classics on the subject, An enchanting April by Elizabeth von Arnim. Or from movies, Thelma and Louise the most iconic, or from the series, Sex and the city to represent the category.
Friends, an antidote to loneliness and depression
«I believe that true friends cannot be those driven by interest. If there is no equality of generosity, of mutual availability, there is only the theft of energy. In the workplace, there will always be the careerist, the incorrect, yet I believe in friendship between women and I have always encouraged complicity, sisterhood.”
Marina Salomon, entrepreneur, 67 years old, 4 children and one in foster carea super manager’s CV with pro-women choices such as part-time rotation, continues to bet on mutual support between women: «Recently, I organized a dinner with six retired colleagues and I realized how much vitality there was, and mutual exchange between them. There was closeness, support, stimulation and effective help. We are privileged to be able to face the various ages of life, strong in the spirit of sisterhood.”
Considering that in Italy, according to Istat, almost 5 million over 60s live alone, equal to 55 percent of the total population, with a female majorityfriendship between women is also saving in keeping depression and psychosomatic illnesses away. Francesca Colombo, psychotherapist, has experienced this first-hand: mostly women lie on her bed, many of whom have lived for six or more decades. He says: «If they have built a friendship network in the past, they have greater protective factors against depression. Friendship is an antidote to loneliness and at the same time gives the possibility of keeping curiosity alive, of expanding the network of acquaintances, of attending courses, exhibitions…».
Friends for life, how do you do it?
Yet, although precious, there are many decades-long friendships that break just when the years take their toll. A pain for both parties, a mourning, in disbelief that it happened. What was it? Did I disappoint or did I have too many expectations? Was I not present enough? Did I criticize without helping, or did I no longer tolerate the use of sarcasm and passive-aggressive responses? Why didn’t we count the good things between us instead of counting the shortcomings? We forget that even women over sixty are often under stress.
Words from a psychotherapist: «Stress from caring for elderly parents and grandchildren to look aftermaybe some children to help. Especially if a woman grew up in a family where there was competition, antagonism, comparison between children, low esteem, the result is being suspicious, severe. Conflicts are physiological and healthy if well managed.” Bent over from small and large biological clock ailments and with less energythe ridge on which you walk sometimes becomes narrower. However, according to Marina Salomon, it is all a question of tolerance: «It depends on how we are, if we are more or less happy. Being tolerant also becomes a choice, you have to know how to forgive. It is wrong to accumulate frustrations and misunderstandings. Throwing the dust under the carpet is not a good idea. Everything rots.”
Valeria Bruni Tedeschi and Valeria Golino, friends in life and in art, here on the red carpet of ‘Les Estivants’ at the 75th Venice Film Festival on 5 September 2018. (Photo by Alessandra Benedetti – Corbis/Corbis via Getty Images)
And we also need to be vigilant about another aspect, according to the Lombard manager: «We need to understand if our friends are eating up our lives, if there is a predatory attitude. Once upon a time they said “I am mine”, it also applies to friends: if you allow me, I choose and defend myself from your negativity. Friends cannot be a duty. Another theme to keep in mind: there is a prevailing individualism, an egocentrism, while there are many possibilities for finding the “us” again, from volunteering to doing sports or social activities. Let’s get out of ourselves.” There was certainly an “us” with feminism: at the end of September it was released by Ponte alle Grazie Ersilia and the others. Extraordinary story of women and girls at the dawn of feminism. Lucia Tancredi wrote it and wanted to bring the “militant sisterhood” of the late nineteenth century back to the center in Milan when, in 1899, Ersilia founded the first organization in Italy for women, the Women’s Union.
After 60 you have more fun with your friends
Friends are good for us. (Getty Images)
Last year Pedro Almodòvar won the Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival with The next room, raw story of a former war correspondent who asks her historic friend to stay close to herprecisely in the next room, when he chooses to swallow the deadly pill bought on the dark web. In short, to share the end of life with her. Don’t leave her alone.
Less dramatic, indeed with the tone of comedy and detective story together, Whales. Friends forever was rewarded by the public not only for the two protagonists (Veronica Pivetti and Carla Signoris), but precisely because it put female friendship at the center of the narrative when you are no longer young. Signoris says: «All in all, you have more fun after 60. Grown-up children, family and work are defined. I often see tables of mature women at the restaurant, even beautiful and noisy ones, talking to each other. And this is a wealth.”