Sanne Hertgers (31) was murdered in October 2023 by her ex-partner, a policeman. She had put an end to the relationship after ten years of marriage. He couldn’t take the break and killed her with a bread knife, in the house in Winterswijk where she had just moved to live in herself.
Her father Wim Hertgers found his daughter and can no longer get that image off his retina. On Sunday he spoke during the national protest march against Femicide in Rotterdam. More attention must be paid to women like Sanne who are stuck in a relationship in which there is ‘intimate terror’.
What exactly is intimate terror?
“It is partner violence where the man, it is almost always about men, uses physical violence against the woman or her for sex. But it can also go more subtly where the woman is intimidated and humiliated and slowly isolated from family and friends.”
Hertgers and his wife Monique, Sanne’s stepmother, saw Sanne change during the relationship. From a tough, articulate woman who was on kickboxing, rode engine and worked in a TBS clinic, she turned into a quiet and withdrawn person. She became more and more in social isolation. Their sense of discomfort over the relationship became stronger over the years. Only after Sanne’s death did the pieces of a horrible puzzle fall into place.
Which red flags did you see retroactively?
Wim: “He isolated her from friends and family. That is not going in one go, but gradually, so you don’t notice it immediately. He had tickets for the film if she had another appointment. For them. If she wanted to work out with girlfriends, he would disappoint. Much nicer if you go to work with me, he said, otherwise we see each other so little.”
Monique: “Later we heard that he was called Sannes Shadow at the gym. He never lost sight of her for a moment.”
How can an independent young woman be packed in this way by such a possessive type?
Monique: “You don’t notice it right away. They are men who initially behave very charmingly. They are capable of refined psychological manipulation. They are attentive, take presents.” He just doesn’t kiss the ground under my feet, “Sanne said.”
Wim: “Love bombing Is that also called. “
How can you see as parents that something is wrong?
Monique: “Sanne was a sun in the house. You could laugh a lot and often with her. When she got a relationship with her ex-husband, that became less. Until she seemed completely extinguished. We only understood that she was afraid of giving him the reason to get angry. Domestic violence is actually a friendly term.
Wim: “We felt bad, but we couldn’t put the finger there. I didn’t even know the word femicide.”
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Did you manage to keep in touch?
Wim: “That became increasingly difficult because he lay down for it. If she was alone with us, she was sitting on her phone all the time. Only later did we see that he was appealing and to respond to her. If she did not, he got it.”
Monique: “It is important to ensure that there is an informal network around her. Ask girlfriends what they think of the relationship. Talk to neighbors, family members, friends with whom she has contact. And go unexpectedly. Ask others to continue to do so. If you announce your visit, she can prepare. If you go unexpectedly, you will see how things really work.”
Did Sanne himself see how toxic the relationship was?
Wim: “Women are often sucked into the psychological game. For outsiders that is difficult to understand. We also only see that it works that way. Sanne also only said to see how much she had been manipulated, when she had stepped out of the relationship. Even sexually she was forced to do things that she did not like by her home that you do not want to find.”
Monique: “Men make the women completely dependent on him. So much that they think they are nothing without them anymore.
Can care providers play a role?
Wim: “Certainly. But expertise is needed to recognize the signals. In the Netherlands, a lot of assistance has been set up in a conversation with both parties. But it is precisely in this case that it works badly. Certainly because the men can occur reasonably well and hide their narcissism.”
Monique: “If a woman puts an end to the relationship, she has to hide in front of her ex. She must be in a stay-of-my-body house. Only when there is clearly physical violence, can the Dutch police come into action. In Italy, for example, the man gets an ankle band and he has to stay from her neighborhood. He doesn’t have a problem, not she must go there.”
In the Netherlands you can call 113 if you are struggling with suicide thoughts and 144 when an animal is in need. Could a telephone number for women who have to deal with intimate terror?
Wim: “Certainly! We would like to see that. We’re working on it.”
Monique: “Especially because the expertise is there, but often fragmented. In one municipality it falls under the police, in the other assistance. In Winterswijk it turned out that two directors care and safety were also found. We unfortunately did not know that.”
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