I stand on the other side of the street. Through the window I see groups of acquaintances chatting together, the little ones run after each other and a flying balloon makes an attempt not to be trampled. When the door opens, the buzz comes my way. I rub my hands together. They vibrate. And then I breathe deep and walk in one straight line to the entrance. Only. It is my first party without him.
Glimmer
I hide half behind my waving arm and half behind a gift washed behind. When I see my girlfriend I just don’t run towards her. “Stay calm Isabel,” I whisper to myself. She puts her arms firmly around me and I feel the grief from my heart crawling to my throat. “Are you okay?” She mimet to me with a worried look when she lets me go. I nod, as brave as I can. But then her mother pops up next to me. And only that sweet pinch in my upper arm tears me right in half. “Sorry,” I stammer and I put it on a walk to the toilet. People look after me, I think. Just nod. The one love, the other surprised. A familiar pulls his eyebrows to me, as if he wants to say it’s okay.
38 And again alone: ‘The sixteen years of carefully accrued memories are suddenly mine alone’
For the shape I pull my pants down and sit on the glasses, even though I don’t have to pee at all. And there, only in that box, I sob it out. “Jerk,” I sag against the closed door. “God -forgotten bastard, how could you let me alone?” I know since three days that he has someone else. I filled those first weeks every afternoon and evening, not to be alone. Eating with my sister, sleeping with a friend, a walk with a friend and his dog. I wanted to fill something every minute of the day, because the nights that I was only awake also lasted so long. But now nothing helps anymore. He is together. And that makes me even more only than I already was.
Be alone
The whole world is together and that means that only his more stands out. I suddenly have a whole Christmas day without plans, an empty Saturday that extends for me and nobody is waiting for me at the airport at an impossible time. But at the same time only his is also my best friend. It gives me time to get used to my new situation, the space to cry for what I miss and the void to make plans for a new life. By being alone, I even became a little familiar with my own discomfort. Sometimes it flew me, the time it was liberating. Being alone was my worst enemy and best friend.
38 And again alone: ‘I feel especially stray wild for younger men’
If, after a working trip at the airport, I struggle through the tax-free department, my phone vibrates. I tap the screen, it’s Jeroen. “Are you happy to go home?” he applies. And suddenly I realize that I really am. “I can be alone again”I type back. I feel a smile on my face, tears in my eyes and I sigh deep. From pride. I just did that.
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