What are mirror relationships?
Well, mirror relationships are those links that mobilize us a lot, because they are reflecting something ours. Sometimes a wound, sometimes a part that we do not want to see or something that is denied, even a desire that is repressed. The other, without knowing it – because clearly is not on purpose – it works as a mirror that shows us something we need to look. And of course, it is not always comfortable.
What psychological mechanisms are activated in this type of links?
What is activated are defense mechanisms. For example, the projection, which is when I attribute to the other something that is really mine and I cannot see. Or idealization, when I believe that the other has everything I lack. And the transfer also appears, which is when I interact with that person as if it were someone in my story, such as mom or dad. All that moves from the unconscious, it is not that we do it on purpose, nor that we notice it at the time.
Can you give an example to be better understood?
Yes … I remember a patient who came very distressed because she felt that a friend made her invisible, who did not value her. She was always, she helped, listened … but when she needed something, the other did not appear. The interesting thing is that it was not the first time that happened to him. In therapeutic work their difficulty appeared to put limits and that need to be loved through giving. That friend was a mirror of her part that was not allowed to receive, who felt that she only deserved affection if she sacrificed himself for others. Then she was not simply a bad friend … it was a relationship that was showing her a deeper pattern. And as that example, there are many, not only in pairs, also in links with friends, with the family, with the children …
And how does this differ from a relationship where there is simply chemistry?
There the difference is clear. If there is no real connection, the relationship does not flow and over time is over. You may not share values, interests, or there is simply no tuning, and voila. But it does not generate strong emotional discomfort. Instead, a mirror relationship does shake you, it hurts, you repeat you, and that is where you know that there is something of yours to look.
Why do we repeat links that make us wrong?
Because the unconscious wants to solve. And one, without realizing it, repeats waiting for this time to be different. It is as if we wanted to repair something that was pending. But if we do not work, we return to the same place, with a different name.
What to do if I realize that I am in a mirror relationship?
Well, if you manage to realize, it’s already a lot. The next step is not to react automatically or blame the other. Stop, observe, and ask you: “What is this person showing me?” It’s uncomfortable, yes. But it is also a great opportunity to grow. And here the therapy is key. Because it helps you see all that one can not. It gives you resources to heal and build healthier, freer ties.
Can that discomfort be transformed into something positive?
Yes, totally. When we become aware of what happens to us, we strengthen ourselves. We learn to choose different, to put limits, to connect from another place. We become more authentic in the links, and that shows.
Sometimes, the other did not come to harm you, but to show you what you couldn’t see yet. And in that mirror that hurts, the change can begin. Rather, the transformation.
Lic. In Psychology – Ontological Coach
Posadas, María Josefina
@psychologiaposadas.josefina
www.psi-plasMariajosefina.com.ar
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By CEDOC