I think we’ve figured it out already, right? Henri Bontenbal will be our new Prime Minister. A friend calls him “the messiah of service, like Pieter Omtzigt, who will undoubtedly be crucified again soon,” but that is far from happening. Henri is hors concours.
In the past you sometimes heard people say: ‘Huh? CDA?” Isn’t that the party of smooth, political spinners who can go in any direction? The party of professional politicians such as Wopke Hoekstra and Hugo de Jonge. Those neither meat nor fish types, who first support the farmers and then suddenly, when a nice job is available in Brussels, start worrying about the climate.
But I don’t hear those kinds of sounds anywhere anymore! Even my most radical left-wing and right-wing friends are voting for Henri Bontenbal this month. Should we actually still hold those elections?
Because Henri is young and still has his hair. Has not yet been spoiled by government, and is a Rotterdammer! (!) Really, we are ready for the Henri the First Cabinet. A decent, neat boy as prime minister.
After years of contact-impaired Teflon pans, it is almost erotically refreshing to see someone simply waiting their turn in a debate. In a world full of tailgaters, Henri is the one who gives direction and thanks. His only weakness? Probably gluten.
So Henri, hold on tight. It’s going to be you. But don’t worry. I’m not going to send you into the trenches without helpful tips. They come.
1Have a signature snack
Lubbers had his dry sandwich. Wipe his cigar. Rutte has his apple – no statesman without a snack. I was thinking of baked pears for you. We’re just fine with it. But then it suddenly fell into place: you’re a lunchbox type. With a post-elastic band around it. No quinoa, no power bars. Just two buns with cheese and a currant bun. Clarity. Stability. CDA.
2Provide fun merch
Any influencer can no longer live without it. For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past five years, “merch” is merchandisecool gadgets with the head of the new helmsman on them. For you I thought of Bonti Sandwich Bags – 100 percent compostable and Calvinist. Or Henri’s Hair Gel – for a position that lasts. And of course the Henri Bontenballetjes: fried sausages for Saturday evenings with wet hair on the couch, from Mora. Of course there is also a vegetarian variant. Come on, we’re not the BBB.
3Get a body in the closet
It sounds crazy, but when you are incorruptible you have to give something to the bloodhounds. Sure, you’re so neat that your algorithms probably advertise bicycle lights and compost bins. But I was thinking of an expired library book, which of course you reported as soon as it was pointed out to you!
4Family life
I must admit that I didn’t even know if you have children and with how many wives, but it turns out: two sons, one wife, beautiful – completely CDA. It will take some getting used to for us, after Mark Rutte: a Prime Minister with a life. So I would start cautiously. A cookie photo with tea. Then your wife makes your lunch box and maybe does the dishes together. Dosage.
5Your slogan seems like a no-brainer to me
“Who you’re gonna call? Call Henri!” But I also find something about ‘reconstruction’ strong. Multi-interpretable and a serious reference to Rotterdam.
6Rotterdam is definitely a golden opportunity, man
That Rotterdam accent could be a little bolder. Play out. Because no canal belt, a woman as mayor, and something to do with dicking and grooming, Ahmed Aboutaleb, and De Kuip. I’ll have a photo taken with Lee Towers backstage soon.
7Then your outfit
In The Hague: a good suit with a green tie. And on the weekend? No blue body warmer from 2008, like Rutte. No. You will become the ‘unisex fleece hoodie of the ANWB’ man. Electoral gold. And nice and warm too.
8Make a signature blunder
All major politicians have one. That makes you human. Obama’s beige suit. Dijkstal’s sax. Balkenende’s skateboard. For you? Fall into a wedding cake. Or lean casually against the Night Watch. I’d rather have no accidents while cycling, that’s what all those other middle aged politicians in lycra (mapils) already do.
9Pet?
Cats score well. Kittens even better. But Geert Wilders has already drawn that card. I would do a guinea pig, you’ll be fine with that. Also in terms of hairstyle. Or a rat. Fits well with the CDA.
10And you already have the perfect hobby!
Your organ! Slightly nerdy, but still musical and you can perform with Orgel Joke once.
11In terms of favorite attraction
Instead of ‘Dream Flight’, I would take the Goliath. That big roller coaster. You can go in with your sons, but you still have a sharp edge and he is the perfect metaphor for the premiership. Up first. Then shout. Then down hard. And then try not to puke.
12Finally, also think about the bonus points
Rutte taught at a pre-vocational secondary education. Maybe you can become a lice father. Or participate in the Smartest Person. But don’t win. Nobody likes know-it-alls. Oh yes, and don’t forget, Henri: a good prime minister today is actually just someone who lasts longer than the previous one.
You will succeed.
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