Love ruptures are moments of deep emotional transformation, which not only mean the end of a relationship, but the loss of a shared future, dreams and identity that had been built as a couple. Facing a separation duel can be one of the most challenging emotional challenges, since it involves a roller coaster of emotions that range from sadness and pain to anger and confusion. Understanding this process and knowing how to address it is key to getting strengthened from experience.
Why does the separation duel happen?
The reasons why a break generates a duel are multiple, and depend both on the nature of the relationship and the circumstances of separation. In the first place, a break can be understood as a “significant loss”, not only of a person, but also of the idea of the relationship as a shared future. The psychologist and psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud was one of the first to describe the grieving process as a “emotional work” form to assimilate the loss of a beloved object. Freud argued that duel is an inevitable process, which, although painful, is essential for emotional recovery.
For her part, the psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her famous model of the Five stages of duelHe noted that people are going through various emotional states after a loss: denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance. Although his model was originally designed to explain the duel by death, these phases also apply to the duel by rupture, where the person faces the denial of the loss, the anger towards the ex -partner, the negotiation to try to reverse the situation, the Depression to loneliness and the acceptance that the relationship has come to an end.
The duel process: Why does it cost us so much?
The separation duel is a deeply individual experience. Some people recover in months, while others may need years to feel completely healthy. According to psychologist John Bowlby, a pioneer in attachment studies, love breaks trigger a feeling of loss similar to duel for the death of a loved one, since the emotional bond with the couple has been established deeply. Bowlby argued that people with a safe attachment have a greater capacity to face separation, while those who have developed throughout their lives anxious or avoidant attachment patterns can face greater difficulties in processing loss.
The separation duel is also more than a psychological process; It involves changes at the physical and emotional level. In the words of psychologist Aaron Beck, creator of cognitive-behavioral therapy (TCC), “emotional suffering originates not only in external events, but also in the thoughts and beliefs we have about those events.” Through the TCC, Beck proposes that people can learn to identify and question irrational thoughts related to rupture, such as the idea that “I will never find someone else” or “I have run out of value because I am no longer loved.” By learning to reformulate these thoughts, the individual can reduce pain intensity and begin to rebuild his self -esteem.
The phases of the duel in the context of a separation
Although the grieving process is unique for each person, studies suggest that there are common phases that most experience, although not necessarily in a linear order. Next, we explore the key stages according to several authors and psychological approaches:
- Shock and denial: It is common that, at first, the person cannot accept the break, especially if it has been unexpected. Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, in his theory about the “lost object”, points out that denial is a natural defense against the impact of loss. In this state, the mind tries to protect itself from an unbearable reality, which can lead to a feeling of bewilderment and emotional paralysis.
- Anger and frustration: Once the person begins to partially accept the breakup, the feelings of anger usually emerge. Freud described this stage as a “projection” of internal frustration towards the other person. This anger can be directed towards the ex -partner, the environment or even to oneself. Here, the thoughts of injustice and guilt arise frequently.
- Negotiation: During this period, it is common to try to reverse the situation, either looking for reconciliation or looking for answers that justify the end of the relationship. In the context of cognitive psychotherapy, this is the time when patients often have distorted thoughts as “if only this had done this different” or “perhaps we can try again.” The key at this stage is awareness that what happened cannot be changed, and that accepting reality is essential for healing.
- Depression and deep sadness: This is the phase in which a deep loss is experienced, both of the other and of life as a couple. The authors of the psychoanalytic approach, such as Melanie Klein, indicate that this feeling of loss can be experienced as an “emotional emptiness” that feels unable to fill. Sadness is natural and, although difficult, it is a necessary stage to elaborate separation.
- Acceptance and adaptation: Finally, acceptance does not necessarily imply forget, but to integrate experience as part of the personal growth process. From cognitive therapy, this process involves a work of “cognitive restructuring”, where negative thoughts related to rupture are replaced by more adaptive thoughts, which allows the individual to resume control over his life.
Suggestions to handle the separation duel
Duel is a challenging process, but it is also an opportunity for personal reconstruction. Here are some recommendations, based on different therapeutic approaches, to help manage this painful process:
- Accept pain: Acceptance of emotions is essential. As the psychologist Carl Rogers pointed out, self -acceptance is the basis of the therapeutic process. Denying pain only extends suffering. Let yourself feel what you feel, without judging you.
- Cognitive restructuring: Identify and challenge the negative thoughts that arise after rupture. According to Beck, learning to change dysfunctional thinking patterns can reduce emotional suffering and accelerate recovery.
- Search for professional help: Psychological accompaniment, either through cognitive-behavioral therapy or psychoanalytic psychotherapy, can help people understand and process their suffering. The support of a therapist facilitates the expression of emotions and the awareness of dysfunctional emotional patterns.
- Take care of the body: The body-mind connection is fundamental. Performing physical exercise, maintaining a balanced diet and resting enough are aspects that strengthen emotional resilience.
- Recreate your identity: The end of a relationship can leave a vacuum in our identity. Now is the time to rediscover who you are out of the relationship. Participate in activities that fill you, reconcute yourself with your passions and personal goals.
- Establish clear limits: “Emotional cleaning” is vital for the grieving process. Establishing clear limits with the ex -partner, such as avoiding unnecessary communication, helps reduce the temptation to return to ancient patterns and encourage healing.
Conclusion: A trip to recovery
The separation duel is a painful experience, but through the understanding of its stages and the implementation of therapeutic tools, it is possible to navigate this process in a healthier way. As Viktor Frankl said, a psychologist and survivor of the Holocaust, “life never ceases to make sense, even in the midst of suffering.” In the end, duel can be a space for deep reflection, self -discovery and personal reconstruction.
Thus, although pain may seem insurmountable at first, over time and with proper accompaniment, people may not only overcome the loss, but also emerge from it with a greater understanding of themselves and its ability to heal and move on .
I have licensed Paola Aquino, specialist in cognitive-behavioral therapy (TCC), and I focus on matters of self-esteem, self-love and sexuality. They can follow me on Instagram at @TalleRESPSICO_ for more information.
My mail is [email protected]
And for WhatsApp shifts for psychotherapy 1165486690
By CEDOC