Talking to your teen about sex is awkward, but talking about love relationships with a Gen Z like that turns out to be downright confrontational. Not only are the answers complicated, you’re not even asking the right questions.
My thirteen-year-old daughter speaks easily about her sexual orientation. She has been at it for years, just like her classmates. Two of her friends are gay, two bi and her best friend is ‘pan’ (google it). It is striking how teenagers, often not even sexually active yet, link their identity to sexual preference. It seems as if they would rather endlessly name their own orientation than actually enter into a relationship.
Even the question of sexual orientation seems outdated to my daughter. She informed me that you can also be straight or gay flexible. The key word appears to be flexibility. My daughter will soon be fishing in a flexible pond and also has a range of lovetech to her disposal. The chances of her finding that one true love are greater than ever.
Only, what does fate want? It is precisely her generation that no longer believes in it. Self-confidence and self-knowledge are central, independent of a partner. The new singles think pragmatically about relationships: what will it cost me? How much time? What does it bring me? Gen Zers don’t yearn for the one, don’t hop from date to date (as their divorced parents do). They’re fine with themselves. In fact: one American research found that 44 percent of all Gen Zers would rather clean the toilet than go on an online date (Singles in America Survey).
My daughter is growing up in a period of rising inflation, political unrest, climate change and pandemic. This instability has made her aware of the uncertainties in life. She doesn’t think happily ever after, but prefer to keep it with today. A relationship form that fits in perfectly with this is the situation ship.
The popular situationship is difficult to translate. Situations? It refers to relationships that operate in the gray area between flirtation and commitment, between fun-while-it-lasts and for-or-bad. Beyoncé sang fifteen years ago Put a Ring On It and all the teenagers screeched along. That ring now seems passé. Conventional milestones, even the fundamental linear structure of a relationship, are questioned by young people: why does it necessarily have to go somewhere? Situationships are not concerned with expectations: what counts here, now, is liquid.
Such an attitude is tempting when you’re young, but the question is where all that flexibility in sex, gender and relationships will lead twenty years from now? What happens if ‘generation situation’ has children of its own? Will they change their minds? Or has their faith in eternal fidelity been tarnished forever? While mom and dad swear by the old-fashioned romantic fairy tale, “yes, I want” has been bastardized into a game element for Gen Z in reality shows like The Ultimatum and Love is Blind.
Postmodern philosopher Baudrillard predicted: eventually everything will be simulation. Marriage is no longer a sacrament, but an image we know from movies and shows. Maybe situationships are therefore not a sign of weakness, but a smart way to keep relationships sincere and honest in a time when everything, not least love, seems to be a parody.
Writer Sarah Meuleman interprets major cultural shifts in this series by means of small, striking phenomena.
A version of this article also appeared in the May 2, 2023 issue of the newspaper.