THEThe cliché has the lustful male and the frigid woman. It’s always been like this. In past centuries, if men could frequent places of pleasure as men, women married knowing little or nothing about sex and repressing any desires they didn’t even know they had. Has the situation changed in recent decades? That’s what the actress asked herself Gillian Anderson who collected a series of anonymous testimonies which later became a book, Wantreleased this fall. And which underlines a great truth: as 2025 dawns, women still struggle to talk about their sexual desires.
Sex, what do women want? The case of Want by Gillian Anderson
From sexologist on the small screen to confidant of all the most secret sexual fantasies, it was a short step for Gillian Anderson. After quitting the role of sexologist Jane Milburn in Sex Education, the actress began collecting outbursts, letters and confessions on her portal Dear Gillian. The theme? Sex, of course. And everything women want in this area. Women from all over the world and of all possible sexual orientations have vented to the actress, finally telling their fantasies and desires under the sheets.
The result was a book, Wantof which the actress is “curator”, as she herself defines herself in the preface, in which find these confessions anonymously and divided by theme. But what really emerged is how women still struggle today to talk about sex and what they would like in bed. Partly out of personal modesty, partly because “he’s not well”. And this is how it emerges once again the image of women who are not completely satisfied sexually, often frustrated and not often satisfied by the other person. One might almost say that little, or perhaps nothing, has changed since the release of My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday in 1973, an investigation conducted by the author herself into what were the true sexual desires of women of which no one, but them, first, he dared to speak.
Sex and women, sexual fantasies are part of the mystery
«Sexuality, with its desires, its fantasies and its most intimate nuances, is often a territory that is intertwined with mystery. There is a dark side to sexuality that, while frightening, fascinates. This side is linked to what Carl Jung defined as Shadow: everything that we repress, ignore or judge ourselves to be unacceptable” explains Frida Affer, sex coach and founder of WOVO.
Although repressed, the Shadow is a constant presence in everyone’s life, so much so that it influences their thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Indeed, paradoxically, the more it is repressed, the more fascination one feels towards it and towards everything that is repressed, in particular sex: «Sexuality is one of the dimensions in which the Shadow manifests itself most forcefully. Sex has always been shrouded in mystery, and many of our deepest desires reside in the unconscious sphere». Not only that, but the attraction towards the Shadow is double: we feel attraction for sex but also for what is mystery because it represents everything we don’t know and therefore everything that is new and unknown.
The benefits of exploring sexual fantasies
Therefore, exploring one’s most hidden, mysterious and even repressed sides is seen as a liberating act of maximum creativityespecially in a society like ours where we tend to judge our own intimate expression: «Breaking the mold of everyday sexual life is a way to rediscover new dimensions of intimacy and connection. Exploring fantasies in sexuality is not a dangerous or immoral act, but an opportunity to better understand oneself.”.
Not only that but very often this “dark side” is associated with feelings such as shame, fear or guilt, as well as being extremely judged by society. In this sense therefore, learning to accepting one’s sexual desires and fantasies is not only a liberating act but above all an act of understanding towards oneself.
«According to Jung, the integration of the Shadow is fundamental to achieve internal balance. It’s not a question of letting this part of us overwhelm us, but of accepting it as a legitimate and necessary component. In sexuality, this process can happen by exploring one’s fantasies in a conscious and consensual way, both alone and as a couple». In other words, as the expert concludes, it is through the balance between what is rational and instinct, between what we desire deep down, that we also manage to grow personally.
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