Psychotherapist Rita Lombardi explains how to prevent the side effects of an excessively large ego
“It’s a question of ego”. A phrase that often recurs without knowing, however, its power. The ego is not just a philosophical concept: contemporary psychology studies it concretely. A recent clinical tool, the Perrotta Ego Hypertrophy Investigation Questionnaire (PEHI-Q)investigates just how much a person’s ego affects the quality of their life, relationships and ability to adapt to the world. The test analyzes five areas (Ego-Power, Stability, Intensity, Effectiveness and Adaptation) and distinguishes the healthy ego, which supports our identity, from the hypertrophied one, which crushes it. The point is not “to have an ego”, but to understand how much space we leave it and what it is for.
when the ego takes charge
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A hypertrophied ego reacts, does not respond. Mistake a criticism for an attack, a boundary for a rejection, advice for a threat. It can manifest itself in many ways:
how to put the ego in its place
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These reactions, automatic and repetitive, are the ego’s way of trying to survive. But we are here to live and the only way is to do it with ourselves. As the psychologist Jane Loevinger in her theory of ego developmentan immature mind tends to react impulsively and defensively, while a mature ego opens up, listens, integrates. But what are the roots of the hypertrophic ego? Recognizing them is important. The psychotherapist Rita Lombardi states: “Behind the hypertrophic ego there is not pride, but fear. Fear of not being worth it, of not being seen, of not counting enough. Often – continues the expert – it has its roots in early experiences of criticism, rejection or conditional love, in environments where approval is earned and not received.. Modern culture doesn’t help. It rewards image, success, competition. Thus, the ego learns that to be loved you must appear, not be”. It is not a question of eliminating it, but of putting it back in its place. “A healthy ego serves us: it gives us stability, it helps us to say “no” and to recognize our value. The first step is to recognize our reactions. Every time we feel that urge to defend ourselves, to demonstrate, to justify ourselves, we can ask ourselves “Am I speaking to protect my ego or to express my truth?”. This question already shifts something. It resizes the ego, restores space for awareness, brings dialogue back into the present. And it is the beginning of freedom.” Let’s compare healthy ego with hypertrophied ego. “When faced with criticism – explains Rita Lombardi – the former listens and evaluates, the latter gets offended and reacts; if you ask him to adapt, the former changes perspective, the latter stiffens. The healthy ego is empathetic, it includes the other, while the hypertrophic one devalues him or uses him. The former’s self-esteem is rooted and flexible, while the latter depends on external approval. My advice is to experiment, by forcing yourself, with a healthy ego. Try to step back when necessary, or apologize and accept a limit without experiencing it as defeat. Certainly, in some cases, therapy is necessary but it often happens that people are able to independently move from reaction to presence. And the feeling is so liberating that there is no going back, despite the imperfection of all of us”.