What makes us different from animals is that we can talk, although sometimes I think that they are much more effective with sounds than we are with words.
Every day I am more convinced that that part of us that makes us human is the biggest challenge we face as a species. As with many other words, there must be as many definitions of communication as there are inhabitants on earth, and on top of that, we blame poor communication for all our ills.
We are summoned to collaborate in companies due to “communication problems”, couples separate due to “communication problems”, friendships end due to “communication problems”, children, siblings, lovers… stop talking to each other because of… They already know why. what yes?
Why is it that it is so hard for us to say what we feel, express what we think, ask for what we need, tell the other what that thing makes us feel, what happens to us in a situation, relationship, what we want from and in the life?…
Is that actually: EVERYTHING COMMUNICATES. Our body communicates, our expression communicates, our silence communicates, our image communicates… also the clothes we wear or the color of our nails and you know? Many times, with our many words, we communicate just the opposite of what we want to say… I don’t know if it ever happened to you.
The different types, supports, styles and forms of communication are studied and catalogued… And among all that, today we choose delve into the language. The one that generates reality when by expressing ourselves through a statement, for example “I DO WANT”, we make the world change and adapt to the word, and the relationship is transformed, that is, a new reality is created. It also happens with our partners, clients and collaborators in the business world, with our families, etc. Without realizing it many times, we spend our time declaring and creating. Now, I have a question for you. Does that reality that you are creating make you really happy?
I am overwhelmed with ideas on this subject because I have been having more than interesting experiences… Let’s see where I start…
The first thing that comes to me is:
“We are mirror and reflection” that is… what I say, I complain, criticize, admire, praise, hate, that is, I judge of the other: TALKS more about ME than about the other!
Be careful with what we say, because we get naked in every word that comes out of our mouths consciously or unconsciously… and precisely our unconscious, when we learn to listen to it, reveals so many things to us… Learning to do so opens up great possibilities for self-knowledge that, As I always say, it is the basis for improving our results at all levels.
And that listening leads me to the second…
Humberto Maturana (Chilean biologist, philosopher and writer, National Science Award in 1994) said “One says what he says, the other listens to what he hears” and I add… what your mental models, fears, expectations, frustrations, desires… allow, can or want. And that is the first challenge we face with communication. Because if our mental models are different (and I warn you that they are always different even if we are of a similar age or have grown up together) then how are we going to understand what the words that the other says to us really mean.
On the other hand, we seldom have any idea of the impact of our words on the other… Although paradoxically we fill our heads having imaginary dialogues of what we say and the other responds… it rarely coincides with reality. Because as we have been explaining, the other is, precisely, an other. With his way of thinking, his experiences, his way of feeling, etc. so if you are going to have a delicate or difficult conversation, keep that in mind. Your expectations of how it will be will rarely be met.
Between what I say and what the other hears, there is ALWAYS a gap that needs to be closed.. There is a way to make sure that the other listened to what we said… It is simply CHECKING and this consists of asking him to tell us what he understood, which is abysmally different from asking “Did you understand?”.
Listening, as Chilean philosopher Rafael Echeverria affirms, is hear more interpret. Science confirms that we are actually able to hear only 50% of what they tell us… So, the next time you say, ask, offer or think you understood… just in case, CHECK!
What amazes me the most is that rarely do we tell the true recipient of the message what we feel, think, believe or want… We talk about it with “N” number of people, less with the only one who can give us an answer, solution , or whatever we think we need… Most of the time, we avoid that conversation out of fear.
Fear that arises from a wound without working, whose mask encourages us to flee from conflicts, escape from discussions, or we may feel incapable of arguing, setting a limit or simply confronting. And deep down, we do all this to justify that the great fear we have is that they stop loving us. If you got to read this far, it may seem like an exaggeration. If so, I invite you to review a situation of yours in which there is a pending conversation. Ah… you don’t have any… Congratulations! You belong to 0.5% of the world population.
Let’s go back to those who have/have (including myself) something pending.
I don’t even tell you the pleasure you feel when “we go in a straight line”that is, we feel something and we say it to the other person in the face, looking directly into the eyes of the owner of waking up all that accumulation of thoughts, emotions and sensations… I would say that it is almost an orgasmic sensation…
Here are some recommendations to apply the straight line:
- Be very clear from where you talk or what you do it for… Ask yourself if you are going to speak from building, claiming, sharing, complaining, love, fighting, cooperating,… The success or failure of the conversation largely depends on that.
- Do it totally detached from the result (remember that the other is another).
- Paradoxically, when you let go of the expectation of the story you tell yourself, and you enter the experience wanting to listen, build, cooperate, share; the magic of understanding happens. Let yourself be surprised by the other’s answers, listen to yourself detached from judgment, from history, from what should be. Open to receive the other, to listen with body and soul, to listen without judging, to ask without attacking, to inquire only with the aim of understanding.
- Learn to order. Coordinating actions is a game of promises and requests, and being rigorous in it and consistent with what we say avoids many “misunderstandings.”
- Nobody is born knowing, and in the process of building healthy relationships, it is necessary to take the time to share the particular meanings of the world, to in some cases deconstruct ourselves, and generate a new world of shared meanings, if only to agree that We disagree.
We talk to each other and to ourselves all day. You realized? Hopefully you will be encouraged to review what things you say both about yourself and others, and as a consequence, what world you create with your words. Because every word has a vibration.
But we’ll leave that for a future article.
Jackie Delger – Catadores de emociones @catadoresdeemociones
Photos Mariana Montero @marianamonterofotografia
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by CEDOC