SValentine’s Day is approaching and I already know that this year too my expectations will be disappointed. It’s true that my husband and I have been together for many years, but the trend has always been this: me waiting for February 14th, him never missing an opportunity to reiterate that it’s a conventional holiday and in this way he almost makes me feel stupid. Who among us is right?
Romina
Doctor Marinella Cozzolino answers
Marinella Cozzolino She is a psychotherapist and clinical sexologist. She is the author of “Sex. Questions and answers”, “Family crimes. When love becomes tragedyShe is the creator of the Open Cards – Psychological Game52 questions, to learn to talk to each other, listen to each other, get to know each other. Also in the version for children aged 8 to 16.
Credits: Marinella Cozzolino
Miracles are expected
Valentine’s Day is a bit like all the other holidays combined with the summer holidays: rather than waiting for an anniversary, we often wait for a miracle. It’s the paradox of couples who argue all year and then, suddenly, they expect to find themselves united and happy “because it’s a celebration”. In reality, the way in which this day is lived depends a lot on the history of the couple and the people who make it up. In many relationships it happens that one cares more than the other. And this, in itself, is not a problem: it becomes a problem when differences are used to belittle, ridicule or invalidate the other. Those who say “I don’t care, we love each other all year round” often do so with apparently sensible logic. But it’s also true that there are things that are valid all year round and that we celebrate anyway. Religion is valid all year round, yet Christmas is celebrated, affection is valid all year round, yet birthdays are considered a special date. Valentine’s Day, for many people, is simply an occasion to celebrate love in a more explicit way compared to other days.
The partner’s point of view
Often It’s not Valentine’s Day itself that matters, but what it represents: the desire to feel chosen, seen, put at the center at least for a moment. A bit like what happens on your birthday. The position of those who do not like these occasions and do not want to feel forced is also understandable. In a relationship, however, there are two of you and the other must be listened to. Saying “I don’t like it, so I don’t do anything” risks turning into a rigid position that doesn’t take your partner into account. It doesn’t mean you have to cancel yourself, but listen to the other. If receiving a gesture, even a simple one, is significant for my partner, I can choose to do it without betraying myself. A flower, a detail in the house, concrete attention can become a language. And often it is not the gesture itself that counts, but the implicit message: “I see you, I consider you, I put you at the center”.
Valentine’s Day: the weight of expectations
An important step concerns expectations. The more an anniversary is loaded with meaning, the easier it becomes to be disappointed. If you already start with the idea that “it’s going to be bad”, you enter a circle that makes any possibility of surprise or meeting difficult. At the same time, it is important not to expect extraordinary things. Valentine’s Day cannot compensate for months of emotional distance, nor repair what is absent in everyday life. It is unrealistic to expect a “happy Valentine’s Day” from someone who doesn’t even say “good morning” all year round. It is also true that to say “I don’t like it, I don’t want to celebrate it” you have to have tried it. If you’ve never had a positive Valentine’s Day, or if past experiences have been disappointing, it’s easy to turn giving up into a philosophy. Sometimes it’s not disinterest, it’s defense: if I don’t expect anything, I don’t risk getting hurt. If something made me suffer, I prefer to diminish it to no longer desire it.
There is Valentine’s Day and Valentine’s Day
Not all Valentine’s Days are the same. The first, for example, often has a particular value: it is a kind of necessary waiting, a moment in which we observe ourselves. “Let’s see what he does, what message he sends, what he tells me.” It is an almost inevitable step, because in the early stages of love, gestures have an enormous weight and are read as indications of interest and intention. Age also changes the way you experience this occasion. In adolescence love is more all-encompassing and rituals are fundamental. The language of young people is made of tangible things: the snack brought to school, help with homework, a stuffed animal, a box of chocolates. I am concrete signals that give shape to a feeling that is still difficult to name.
Valentine’s Day between surprise and lack
We live in an era in which surprise was a little lost. We often wonder whether to tell children that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, erasing the magic for them. The paradox is that as adults we often want surprise, but at the same time we want control over everything. We organize every detail of life, from work to managing the house, up to the little daily things. Surprise requires trust, leaving a space for unpredictability, accepting that the other can do it his way. Finally, Valentine’s Day it’s a party that can become painful for those without a partner. There are those who think “last year I was in a couple” or “by this time next year I want to be”. The lack makes everything more evident. And, as a society, we are often complainers: when we have something we tend to take it for granted, when we lack it we observe reality with a different eye.
