Mother: “My 5-year-old daughter is temperamental and can get stuck in angry moods. I can deal with that well – I have also experienced that to a lesser extent with the eldest – but I find it difficult that she has a pessimistic look. When I ask her how her day was, the answer is invariably ‘stupid’, while the photos taken at school and after-school care show the opposite.
“She also finds it difficult to be complimented. When I let her know that I think something is well done, she looks away angrily. I wish her a little more cheerfulness. When we wake up our son (10) very early because we are going on holiday, he shouts: ‘Yes, holiday!’ My daughter sits angry in the car all the way to Schiphol. I’m really optimistic myself, that’s why I notice it. How can I help her to have a more positive outlook on life?”
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Value-free naming
Marcel van Aken: “It’s nice that you make a distinction between temperament and behavior. Because you don’t change a temperament that quickly, but you can work on specific behaviors in education.
“This sounds like an active child who often remembers things more negatively. It is too early to say whether this is part of the predisposition. That pessimism suits children of this age. They may still have some difficulty looking back on the day, especially when they are tired.
“Some children feel pressured by compliments, because they raise expectations that they may not be able to meet. Show that you notice what your daughter is doing, without attaching a value judgment to it. ‘I see that you have already solved this yourself.’ Instead of: ‘How wonderful that you managed to do this’.
“You can get into the habit of saying something really stupid about the day at dinner and something really nice. This way you teach your daughter shades in her vocabulary besides ‘stupid’ and invite her to have a more positive outlook.”
Learning resilience
Liesbeth Groenhuijsen: “Is it possible that something in your daughter’s life is not going quite right? Childhood is not that easy. I once heard a researcher say that a toddler has just as much stress as a manager of a medium-sized company. Playtime alone can be a jungle, especially for a sensitive child. How nice it is to be able to let off steam at home. And how precious that she entrusts you with that.
“I understand that you would like to see your daughter happy, but it is wiser not to focus on cheerfulness but on resilience. How a child deals with experiences is also partly a matter of predisposition. For example, she may become grumpy about what she cannot yet do, rather than happy about what she can already do. For example, some children get really angry when you compliment them on the letters they can already write, because they realize which ones they cannot yet write.
“Comparing her with her older brother is not advisable in this case. He already knows what ‘holiday’ means, or has less difficulty with changes.
“What helps is to become a role model in dealing with small and big disappointments. Our society forces us to mention successes, sometimes children see their parents and think: ‘I will never learn that myself!’ Or, “I’ll never be as smart as Mom.” Tell it at home if you find something difficult, or if something has been a major disappointment.”
Liesbeth Groenhuijsen is a clinical educator. Marcel van Aken is emeritus professor of Developmental Psychology at Utrecht University.
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