NoIn recent years, more and more attention has been paid to the need to find a new way, free from stereotypes, to talk about maternity. But the same goes for i fathers?
In reality, for various reasons, cultural and social, there are aspects of fatherhood that are still very little talked about: no one says it, and yet, like mothers, although with different dynamics, even fathers may find themselves facing stereotypes and expectations after the birth of the child which put their psychological well-being to the test. A fact to reflect on? The sense of guiltwhich has always been associated with the maternal figure, is something that in reality they also know the fathers present very well. As demonstrated by the results of the study on fatherhood conducted on a sample of approximately 373 fathers by Me First, in collaboration with LabCom, from the (eloquent) title “How are working dads in Italy?”. «In our research, we were the first to use a scale aimed at investigating paternal guilt in statistical terms, therefore scientifically validated”, he explains Cristina Di Loreto, psychologist psychotherapistfounder of the Me First method, a psychological empowerment project that helps parents overcome the many challenges of parenting. «From the results it emerged that yes, the sense of guilt is not only present also in fathers but is also quite high, so much so that it affects almost 85% of them».
Dad guilt
What leads today’s fathers to feel guilty? «Certainly theirs is a different sense of guilt than that of mothers», explains the psychotherapist again, «and invests three different plans: the first is the feeling of guilt towards oneself, for not being able to guarantee that quality of life and balance that they themselves feel they need to be able to keep all the pieces together. Then there’s the sense of guilt towards the family role: they feel guilty for not being able to be fathers as they would like. And then there is the one towards work, less felt but still present.”
How are today’s dads doing?
Guilt aside, the photo taken from research ‘How are working dads in Italy?’, although conducted on a limited sample, it outlines a far from reassuring picture of the well-being of today’s working fathers: the 66% of respondents experience medium-high levels of emotional exhaustion and burnout, while over 75% complain of poor professional achievement. And again, 65.5% of the “working dads” involved in the study admits to perceiving a “paternal wall”, or a series of prejudices at work linked to one’s parental role.
Dads, more aware but often invisible
To make everything more complicated, there is also a society like the current one, not yet ready to accommodate the needs of those fathers involved in caring for their children. Which unfortunately do not yet represent the majority, but which are always more. «We can’t say that it applies to everyone, but many fathers today are making great strides against the gender stereotype about care, just think about it more and more fathers are class representatives, they deal with of insertion into the nurserythey take advantage of the leave … However these fathers still have to deal with what is defined in the literature as ‘institutional matricicentrism’, so there is still, for example, the ‘maternity ward’ and not the ‘birth ward’. And above all, in our country, there is still a leave which provides for five compulsory months for mothers, compared to 10 days for fathers. A picture that differs greatly from that of other European countries”, highlights Cristina Di Loreto who also dedicated her book to the topic ‘Dad’s Journey’ (RED Editions).
Cristina Di Loreto, psychologist psychotherapist, founder of the Me First method
The importance of equal leave
In fact, it is recent news that the Chamber Budget Commission’s rejection of the bill for equal parental leave (5 months each paid at 100%). In short, even at a regulatory level, our society remains sadly anchored to the prejudice that it is the mother who has to take care of the children, “and obviously fathers are starting to feel the weight of all this”, explains Cristina Di Loreto. “Nevertheless recognizing, even at an institutional level, the father figure would be an epochal turning point, with positive repercussions on multiple fronts. On female employment but also on the development of children. They are now known and scientifically proven benefits that a present father ensures for his children».
Dad: the weight of stereotypes
As often happens, the many also have an impact stereotypes that circulate on the figure of the father. First of all, the one according to which the mother should take care of the newborn, because the father is not biologically predisposed to do this. A stereotype so deep-rooted that many fathers still feel it give the nickname ‘mommy‘ when they change a diaper, give a bottle or take the children to the pediatrician. «In addition to being very widespread This stereotype does not take into account a very important aspect: the gestures of care towards a newborn are not simple actions, they represent a form of communication that fathers must also have the opportunity to establish with their children from an early age. It is on this form of interaction that the bond with the reference figures is built. A father who cannot take advantage of adequate leave and who cannot experience the daily life of a child will take longer to take on the role and above all will lose that precious and fundamental space for building the relationship. Once upon a time the stereotype of care was normalized, now fathers are starting to feel its burden.”
When a child is born, a father is also born
«It is still too often thought that i hormonal, physical and biological changes that occur in a parent’s brain when a child is born, it only concerns the mothers”, continues the psychotherapist, “in reality science has deconstructed this belief: today we know that those changes also happen in fathers, as in adoptive parents. In short, it is not the act of giving birth that makes a person physiologically capable of caring or that guarantees parental competence.”
The dad who lets you play
Just as it is nowhere written that the father must be ‘the one who lets the children play’…
«Shared play is an important aspect of parenting but it is certainly not the only one», invites Cristina Di Loreto to reflect. «And it doesn’t mean that all men should always feel able to play with their children… The fact is that everyone should have the possibility of calibrating one’s parenting with one’s identityalways maintaining its own authenticity.”
Does someone who is a father lose leadership at work?
Finally, another stereotype concerns the world of Work. «Still too often we think cthat being a dad leads to losing leadership skills in the professional field», underlines Di Loreto. «When instead studies tell us that the leadership model that works is the one that puts it at the centre skills such as empathy, listening, emotional intelligence… why then should we think that a man who wants to experience fatherhood is no longer reliable in the world of work? From our research it clearly emerged how the men feel highly penalized at work by the idea of asking for optional paternity».
Moms and dads, a team game
Today more than ever, therefore, it is good join forces. «As mothers we can help fathers by trying to loosen the control a little», advises the psychotherapist, «trying to leave them an exclusive space, to be able to be fathers as they want, without our interference or our constant supervisionremembering that ability is built with experience. Asking a person with whom we have decided to have a child to change, to make himself in our image and likeness, would not be functional for anyone. First of all for our fchildren who have the right to know who their fathers are also through the way they relate to themas long as it is not harmful, obviously, which however also applies to mothers.”
The greatest gift that in short, we can make dads really be dads? «We will certainly enhance their role whenever we can. Remembering that even fathers are experiencing a delicate socio-cultural moment, which asks them to fill that role in a different way, without however giving them the tools to really be able to do it at their best”.
Cristina Di Loreto will address these and other topics on March 24th at 9pmin Milan, at the Casa della Psicologia (Piazza Castello, 2), on the occasion of the presentation of his book ‘Dad’s Journey’ (Info: www.opl.it).