Not’s never too late, one might say. If you have a dysfunctional family behind you, the no contact is one of the most widespread practices in recent years. It’s about close relationships with your familyboth parents or even just one, or even brothers and sisters, with whom they have always had a very difficult relationship, perhaps even involving abuse and psychological abuse. A a very painful choice, not at all easy, but which is becoming widespread among the new generations, as the expert explains.
Family and the “no contact” phenomenon, what is it?
«The choice of “no contact”, or the total interruption of relationships with the family of origin, is a growing phenomenon especially among young adults. The greater diffusion and awareness of the importance of one’s mental health, the awareness that certain types of relationships are unhealthy leads many people to move away from their family of origin” explains the Dr. Elisa Stefanati, psychotherapist at the Aesthe Medica clinic in Ferrara which specifies «It is not a matter of whim or rebellion, rather it is a painful decision motivated by profound causes and serious motivations that threaten the evolution of an individual.”
At the base, therefore, the idea of preserve one’s psychic integrity and therefore break a relationship that may have been traumatic, or in any case the need to establish healthier boundaries. The decision to “no contact” towards the family is therefore not a selfish choice, as the expert specifies, but one of self-protection. «It is in fact a “forced” decision implemented when all previous attempts at mediation have failed, when unbearable frustration has been experienced, when one’s boundaries are systematically ignored».
Narcissistic or manipulative parents, when no contact may be inevitable
When does it happen most? «Especially in case of narcissistic or manipulative parents, or when they have a tendency towards hypercontrol and invade personal boundaries and private life. It also happens when they can be consumed within the same family unit physical and psychological mistreatment and abuse, one can become a victim of manipulative, mortifying and annihilating communicationwhich does not promote the growth and evolution of children.”
A choice of no contact that is not taken lightly, indeed it is often extreme and very painful but very necessary for the mental and physical health of those who have suffered dysfunctional relationships or even abuse. «It is therefore neither a question of demonizing nor of exalting the family at all costs, as a sacred bond, but rather of support the principle that bonds must first and foremost be healthy, not just biological. And when mental health or well-being is compromised, distancing becomes an act of survival.”
Dysfunctional relationships lead to estrangement between parents and children
When does total detachment from the family occur? For example, in families with toxic dynamics, with abusers or mistreatment: «When problems occur manipulation, excessive control, the propensity to lie or discredit. Or again, when the family is totally devoid of affection and is not emotionally supportive due to unaffectionate or very authoritarian parents. Obviously when it comes to physical and psychological abuse.”
No contact can be also caused when parents interfere too much in their children’s lives and this happens because they struggle to recognize their independence. «These parents feel that their children are an extension of their own selves and feel they have the right to manage their lives, implementing behaviors that are harmful to the dignity of the individual. For example, they interfere too much in private life, they don’t respect boundaries, they want to have a say in personal choices, such as in relationships or work. In this sense, no contact becomes the extreme choice to defend one’s freedom. Distancing also occurs when there are divergent values and comparison is not acceptedfor example in cases of homosexuality, if you don’t want to get married or don’t want to have children.” We therefore move away to interrupt a set of toxic behaviors that may also impact the new generations.
It’s not always a permanent choice
The decision to move away from your family may not be final. In fact, it is often taken also to make people understand the need to set limits and boundaries, but also as a break to heal from what has been suffered.
Why are it especially the new generations who resort to this extreme choice? «Because today thereand new generations are more aware of mental health and their emotional rights. The dissemination of information on psychotherapy, through newspapers, broadcasts, social media and online resources helps to recognize dysfunctional family dynamics, furthermore there is less stigma in saying: “This relationship is not good for me”.
The implications of no contact
Moving away from family isn’t easy. As the expert explains it often involves pain and feelings of guilt, «due to cultural models that advise against “abandoning” parents». Also create a deep sense of emptiness caused by strong psychological dependence. Usually the first times after moving away are considered a time of mourning, which however also begins a process of healing and acceptance of the new situation and of the fact that this decision was often necessary.
«It is important to remember that protecting yourself does not mean closing yourself off. Defending yourself from abuse, manipulation, disqualifications, instability does not mean raising walls, but defining clear limits. It is important to distinguish between episodic oscillations and chronic instability. It may happen that a parent’s behavior is unintentional: in the case of a dysfunctional parent, for example, the concept of “love” is often confused with that of “possession” and possessing for one’s own gratification. It may therefore happen that parents do not have the explicit intention and awareness of hurting their children, indeed these wounds are also inflicted involuntarily, although unfortunately they strike deeply. Despite this however, even if their behavior is unintentional, no one should accept mistreatment or abuse, not even by those who carry with them the role of mother or father.”