CIao Ester,
I read the letter of the reader left alone in one of the most painful moments that can be lived. I write for her, as if it were an appeal to an misfortune partner, why A few months ago I crossed a similar circumstance.
I will do my best to tell you that no, It doesn’t completely pass. But it’s not all lost even, provided that you learn to keep you tight.
Also He, married, left with a message, One morning while I was at work. He wrote to me not to contact him anymore.
To avoid misunderstandings, I had never sent avalanches of messages that justify a ban: far from it.
On the contrary, every time I wanted to get away, he didn’t want to let him break. If I did not make myself heard, he got angry with disproportionate scene.
It would fall into ordinary cases of human misery, if it were not that, at that time, I discovered the disease of a parent, with hospitalizations due to continuous interventions for recurrence and chemotherapy cycles.
All this while I carried on the last year of a demanding university path, studying and working.
Of the disease was the first to know. At first he showed himself sensitive, careful, capable of comforting me. Then, suddenly, the evolutionary jump as a men a Milwaukee monster .
Although our story was made of ups and downs, pulling and spring, he was the only person who could transmit a sense of protection. And at the same time it was He who threw me even lower, just as life was already dragging me into the abyss.
I don’t know if In the end the ugly people win. What I know is that the worst defeat is to waste time, even if only asking them.
The only useful remedy, when the present is scary, is design the future: such a good and generous future that you no longer have to worry if a man can be with you.
A hug to the reader and a greeting to you, Ester.
Ester Viola’s answer
Dear L.,
Unfortunately too – like anyone – in love and passed through the claws of one of these tools. Blessed are those who think first, because the kingdoms of the earth are theirs. A few letters of solidarity have arrived for the reader of last week. The question is there, uncertain and not formulated: how does it happen that certain, so arid, so arrogant, pull like a magnet?
How is it possible that malice has prolonged effect of love? Does it only happen to damaged characters or all? I believe everyone. It is among the various disasters of love.
We think of the salvable, you say well, there are some happen to you in your feet also to make you understand how you have to become. More present to yourself, much less spontaneous. Precise objectives at work. Casual, autonomous, interesting. It is clear that with these premises then – if you like – you take anyone.
Instead, I thought, returning to the great selfish, if a hypothetical classification was possible. Is it possible to distinguish them? Or is it illusory? We could do this:
Relations with the egoist
Common selfish: it tramples next, but within the limits of civilization. Advanced selfish: the scruples are rare, but not absent. And then the goist without calculations: where it passes, fatal.
Relations with the narcissist
The last is what they call the narcissist today. If one starts looking for the diagnostic profile on Google, who has never loved a narcissist? Let’s admit it here all together: they were not the narcissists, it was us (mostly twenty -year -olds) secretly happy to make the presidents of Crocerossa.
1. The narcissist is not empathetic
Empathy is a strange beast. Very selective. You can be in solidarity with the actresses of the method, be solidarity with the paguro Bernardo who extinguishes himself in the seabed of the Mediterranean and not to be very empathic with someone who loves you. Detestable, but legitimate. Empathy is by law only in certain cases. Out of the omission of rescue, (almost) all free.
2. The narcissist hates the manifestations of emotional unease of others.
So is there anyone who loves the crises of others? That vaguely endures them? Tell me an intelligent emotional collapse as you do and start too.
3. The narcissist has manias of greatness.
We are all on the pendulum between dramatic deficiencies of self -esteem and fifteen minutes of mythomania a day. We are no longer operable. Collective diagnosis.
4. The narcissist comes to you psychologically.
Those who have never made a psychological blackmail drip the first stone.
5. The narcissist only cares about his feelings.
Here there is not even the first stone. We are all of the Cruel Club, if certain conditions are presented. Hurt without taking care. Without even understanding. Or to notice and do it the same, because it is the solution with less damage for us or with some interesting advantage. Very human feature for survival, the one that should at least be hated as you use it.