CAra Ester,
I am a compulsive reader of your column.
Now I’m at forty threshold, I live in a big city but not as big as Milan or Rome. I have one restricted circle of friends, solid but varied, one a little dysfunctional but loving family in its own way.
In the last five years after one coexistence finished with great suffering, But with a mutual esteem I made a journey, but not a trip around the world (oh my God too), but above all one inside me. I started going into therapy, I attended Wrong men And I managed to better understand what I really wanted in a relationship. I resumed my passions, I went out in the evening, came out during the day. The point is Cara Ester, I dedicated myself to finding out and try to be a little more selective, and today, I live the other sex as if it were not too “homo sapiens”. I am too independent, I’m too curious, I’m too much, I feel too much and I would just like to surrender to the condition that perhaps what I go to looking with the lantern will never find it.
It scares me to surrender because I have lived love gas and paqI loved them very much both at the right moments of life, knowing little to enhance the second (but this is another story).
Returning to us, how can I not give updon’t throw the sponge and continue to believe that sooner or later the right interlocking will come? Or at 40 it is appropriate to say enough, sitting on a raft and hope that the wind does not take you to the drift?
Affection
S.
Ester Viola’s answer
Dear S.,
Expay the extremes: between “Leave everything” and “I take everything” there is a little space, I don’t see why not take it. Making the adamant does not pay.
Let’s go back to that letter of Céline:
“Dear Erika,
Don’t forget my little advice. “Knowing exactly what you want.” It’s a great
remedy. One loses years and years and very often the whole life because of the vague ideas, of
confused impulses, unnecessary attempts. “
He did not unnecessarily aroused at forty years old, S.
Not many things, but one must know one: what do I want? It is not at all a matter of giving shape to a too wide, existential and ridiculous question. It is ridiculous if we give them as an answer what we would have said at twenty years: “I want to be happy!”. At this age we should know that happiness is an extortion to oneselfit’s a way of taking things, it’s an order, not an inspiration. In short, it does not follow happiness to external events. And when it happens, as with lovers, those external events there is no way to make them stable. So happiness, wanting to be a philosophers to the maximum degree on this Monday of May, is its opposite: Independence from the barometer of happiness. How much I have gripped, we get to the practical.
The question is: “What do I want, with extreme exactness?”. Normally we respond in always the same ways and that do not exceed half of half a dozen. Let’s see them.
1) I want a family
First, then: finding a very reliable, serious, concrete person who reserves a few surprises. One with a good sentimental curriculum, which immediately shows interest. The relationship must proceed in a quiet and peaceful way from the first minute. The other person must be examined under a microscope: no tactical absence, messages without reply, mood changes, no hesitation and uncertainties. Immaculate and very much. This type of person tends a little to discontented, this is the obvious premise, on erotic ludi. There will never be the abstraction of the subtraction and therefore of uncertainty, therefore the chemical reaction of sexual desire must be a little forgotten. But it doesn’t matter why the soldier’s goal is elsewhere: he wants a family.
The problem of the absence of great adrenaline will exceed energy.
2) I want supreme love
Also in this case the degree of difficulty is modest. For you the body matters a lot. It is useless to give yourself other objectives that are not a relationship with a strong impact on the nervous system. The research will proceed slowly and systemically: there are no ambitions of the family and career, or rather, the family would be a contemplated sub-hypothesis, but the priority is elsewhere. A compatibility of the characters, of desires, a fusion of the souls that makes us feel welcomed, not safe, assorted by the fairy and desired forever. The research must be conducted with alacrity and muscles: you have to explore, see different people every week, relying on the knowledge of friends and the dating apps. The number of frequentations must reach (N) which allows, by statistical probability, to meet the predestined.
3) I want to do something for me
Another possibility could also be given. That there is sufficient water for one plant: me. Love as a secondary gadget. These individuals do not move them to their mania to get somewhere. Where, they decide it. And with whom as well. It is a breed of self -financed people who, however, attracts as a magnet.
What I saw happen is that there is no way to mix very certain desires to have a little one and one part of the other. They are three parallel straight lines a little bitch. What is sensible to do is finish it with the claim to begin the budget From “let’s see how much I did well be a person in love”. Because it’s the best way to go out crazy.
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