CAra Ester,
Finally, a Saturday night I find the courage to write to you. I have been with this guy for more than a year and a half. We also lived a few months at a distance, we had our ups and downs but I know that the feeling there is on both sides. However, there is also a basic problem, which only recently did I recognize as a “problem”. Premising that we do not live togetherin summary, the reasons why we fight 90% of the time is because it seems that He wants to see him more and to be with him than he with me.
Relationships that hurt
This thing hurts me and above all it makes me angry, which from which discussions then arise. Let me explain better with an example: if during a week he is very busy with the study/work then it is simple for him, we will see little. I, on the other hand, don’t think like this. It may be that I am more fiery and willing to make “efforts”, but my reasoning is essentially: even if I have many commitments I will still find the way to see you. And this thing for his part persists from the beginning and despite trying to make a reason for it, which we are simply different, I can’t go on it.
Relations and expectations
I would like a person who is willing to make “sacrifices” (can you call you so waking up an hour before in the morning?) In order to spend time with me. Because that’s what I would do for the person I love. And unfortunately I think it could be a problem for the future, this his attitude of not considering me a priority.
What to do?
I’m bad, they think, I think maybe I should simply leave it free, but when the situation then reappears I get very angry and I think of a possible end of the relationship, even if I know I love him and that the feeling is reciprocated. I would like something to change, that he changes attitude. Maybe it is I who have a void to fill (?) But I know my needs and I know that I could not stay for a long time with a person who does not put all the thought and desire for me. And I know, because I also had problems in friendship for this.
I await your answer with trepidation, which, I am sure, will be of great help.
G.
Ester Viola’s answer
Dear G.,
Every now and then I really think that often and sensationally humanity can divide into two.
In the case you talk to me, for example, it’s easy.
A) the bly
They are the very desire for love. Those – it happens very often novice, but with love the first weapons are the same as the last ones – that they hold. They despair, they exalt, say “this is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me in life” to every fool who comes out of the convent. They exalt, mentally write infinite poems, they vote for an imaginary loyalty that nobody had asked for. Then – it is natural – they become excellent candidates to feel bad until the consumption of every energy that also serves to function physically and do anything else.
How is this excess of love, seen on the other side? Detestable, rolling, intrusive, anxiety. Nobody wants to know about it, too much in love. There will be a reason and it is a very valid reason, the minimum synopsis of which is: what do you want from me? Go away, you look like a bill.
Nobody wants to take the worst of responsibilities on the hunchback: don’t disappoint.
B) the indifferent
The adjective is not very precise but it is useful. They would be, those of sentimental indifference, a half dozen characteristics for the desirable all in the container of independence. It is an immunity – often conquered for burst and disappointments – to wanting to fall in love as at twenty years. They are spirits that have become anelastic material. I’m afraid it is an excellent definition of people’s attractive beauty.
You understand, G., there are no hopes to get someone enough until all entertainment, all forces and all the satisfactions do not come from you.
Here the old succession of Fibonacci of this column.
1. The fantasy relationship
Once upon a time there was a love. Spring came and fell in love. A handful of messages were enough, some kind phone calls, seeing each other once every three months. Nothing happened. The time passed, and the loved person resigned himself to
Stopping (even fantasy has its limits), it was a kind of leaving without anyone to leave.
2. The relationship only you
The amorous subject suffered, but evidently not enough. He wants to fall in love, always strong, but this time more concretely. Luck helps the bold, repeats to itself.
The love of the daring instead cares, in fact it goes badly. You will never like those who like it too much, the excess of desire is repulsive. The sad lesson he learns is: the trap must not run behind the mouse. The loving subject understands that feelings are the part of life that goes in the obstinate and contrary direction: insist is useless. Too much determination it has. It helps love just not to be in love. The loving subject puts his hand on his forehead and desperate.
3. The strategic relationship
The loving subject is foolish, but up to a certain point. Now the illusion has become control. Don’t be fooled. It is the hour of the strategy. The loving subject sets up a refined system of trains: he does not call, he replies little and short sentences, makes it sweeps. Instead of “yes” he writes OK. Ok Squa. “And I will go before it tired of me,” he adds, to the shell of the tactic.
How not. In the morning you can also pretend to be super man, in the evening you return to be the little one under limping man you have always been, that French said.
4. The unfortunate relationship
The loving subject has now understood. If it were geometry, love would be a slope. Symmetrical and even does not exist. Enough with tactics, therefore. Finally, he gets engaged to a person with whom he is madly in love. Every evening, before sleeping, the question “how are we going?” Arrives like a shadow. The couple is a measurement hell. The loving subject fears that crazy love can end. Crazy love ends. You stay without anything in hand. It is the penultimate lesson: worse than imaginary love there is only concrete and progressive disamore.
The loving subject feels a hole in the chest.
5
The loving subject has returned to stay well, this time alone. It is more or less at this point that an old unfortunate love (1, 2, 3 or 4) returns to head from the smartphone. This is where the most supreme sentimental disappointment is experienced, the five minutes of the “What do you want this now?”. Or – better still – “But who knows you?”.
6. The-stay relationship, better known as great love
The loving subject now really has enough. He closed with love, if the poets hold him. It’s time. She arrives: the good person. They put together almost by chance. Works.
The loving subject looks back incredulous, reflects on his collection of errors and wonders why he did not start first to select individuals based on the criterion (frankly elementary): this treats me all in all well, that is not.
So really that pain didn’t mean anything and didn’t need anyone? Exact.
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