Hor 32 years old, I work in finance and I’m single, even though when I say it everyone looks at me as if I had said some kind of heresy by adding “but how? Are you so beautiful, nice, good, etc?”.
I had a seven-year relationship, ended without many regrets, I no longer loved him and he had never loved me, after which I threw myself into a lot of heartless flirting. In November I ran into him on Instagram, 48 hours later we were already in touch on WhatsApp, more and more assiduously, see you before Christmas.
Our first date takes place in my town, a walk on the lake, lots of chatting, lots of smiles and eyes that shine, his and mine, when we say goodbye he hugs me and there in that hug my little inner voice tells me “enough, stop, you’re home”.
From that evening our acquaintance begins, made up of simple things, the time spent together flies by, he is not sure he wants to live with this feeling, I accept his decision, I close it and disappear.
May, with a very banal excuse, returns to the attack, he wants to see me again, I stand him down a couple of times and the third time I accept, from there it all starts again, stronger, more overwhelming, more true, the first evening we spend together he looks me in the eyes and says “are you happy?”
Our story begins, it’s beautiful and for the first time in my life I’m madly in love with someone, you can see it on my face, I have a different light and everyone can see it.
We support each other in our work projects, it doesn’t seem real to me that I have someone to share everything with and who wants to share everything with me.
He proposes a holiday together and it’s perfect, it’s us, we’ve known each other forever, there’s him feeding me the black cherry granita on the beach while he looks at me in love.
He leaves for a weekend with friends, we had planned Paris for a few days, while he is out with them he makes me so involved that I even pass them on the phone to exchange a few words.
I’m at seventh heaven when in a vocal one evening before sleeping he dedicates a song to me and tells me that for him only I exist, it’s official I’m in love.
Not even a week after his return he leaves me, in his own words he tells me that he doesn’t want me to leave his life, but in fact he does nothing to keep me, one thing I understood: he doesn’t know what he wants and it’s better for me to move away from him.
These are difficult days for me, I spend them crying and working. I don’t mean to look for it, but this time I really feel like I’ve lost the love of my life.
Sorry for the papyrus but synthesis is not my main gift.
Thanks for everything
THE.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear L.
Determined against undecided, in love against not in love, patient against restless, resistant to shocks or with crystal bones. Sometimes they meet and get together.
Decided versus undecided
It happens – and first of all they misunderstand each other. Will they break up? It’s not said. Everything remains to be seen what those two will be able to do next: whether, despite their non-communicating characters, they will manage to be together in some way.
The formula that doesn’t exist
How do you get from “two who seem cute together on their first night out to dinner” to two who stay together? Answering this means answering everything: it means that there is a formula, therefore there is also the possibility of not making a mistake in falling in love. Only then things don’t work out. Here comes the disaffection.
Love means elevating the phrase “he used to like me and now he doesn’t like me anymore” to tragedy – if you look carefully, it’s all here. Something very common and which can always happen, lack of love, becomes an illness.
I say that it is very common because the feeling is already born with its opposite. It’s really the seed, he already carries it in his belly. And instead we invented – we and the cultural industry – a much more massive and solid feeling than it actually is.
Relationships are unjustifiable
What I understood – very little – is that every couple, whether it lasts for twenty years or six months, becomes by right an object unjustifiable. You never know anything about other people’s relationships. To be honest, no one knows anything about his either.
Could I tell you that he made fun of you? What did you make it all up? No, I can’t even tell you he won’t be back.
A constant state of lottery. A stingy unpredictability that keeps you there waiting for the future to manifest. It ends up that everything happens, too much, all at once, or nothing happens at all.
You don’t know – this is the guarantee certificate of every relationship that God sends to earth.
Even goodbyes don’t go well
You say: you can’t even suffer in peace. It is true. Leaving, in an ideal world, should include an order: at the beginning the violent tear of farewell, then those long months of sad fog, a dejected calm sufficient to physically function and work. In the end, like a slow anesthesia that wears off, the hatred for everyone and the “I don’t like anyone”. Which is the five minutes before falling in love again.
Instead, nothing. Feeling bad, that’s not easy either: the thing that no one has ever seen in life is a well-made goodbye. I’m not saying beautiful, but at least definitive. Nobody really leaves, because everything has time to happen again. It is life, which has the disease of repetition compulsionnot us.
Love is a waiting room
However, moving from inconclusiveness to action, the alternative is this:
- Let it go. Gather the mental strength available to face the undertaking: resign yourself. But it is a known misfortune that love multiplies forces, and unrequited love cannot tell you what wells of energy it can dig. There is no disappointment that the lover cannot turn into hope. And so, as always, it will resolve itself to
- Wait.
A phone call, a message, a view, a like, who gets up from the sofa. Waiting for things to get better, for them to resolve themselves, for them to take a good turn, for them to take a better one. Waiting for an “I got over it” to rain from the sky. Love is of the same substance as waiting rooms.
The right question
There are no valid answers, L. But after a certain number of rip-offs, a good question arises: how many more times do I want to stay like this? And you become a little smarter by choosing. Maybe it doesn’t work anyway, but at least it’s a start.