Why negative emotions are also useful

Fear, anger, disgust, sadness and jealousy are feelings we don’t want. But according to experts, we should use these negative emotions to achieve a better balance.

In ancient Greece there were already people who had nothing to do with emotions. The Stoics, followers of the Stoa philosophy, argued that emotions endangered common sense and made us weak. It was best to ignore and restrain feelings as much as possible, they thought. Hence the expression ‘stoic’ for imperturbable people. Ad Vingerhoets, emeritus professor of Emotions and Well-being and affiliated with Tilburg University, has a very different view in 2022. “Emotions are the tastemakers of life. Without cheerfulness, but also without sadness, existence would be boring. In addition, emotions have an important function. For example, fear and disgust are essential emotions that can prevent us from putting our lives on the line because they make us avoid danger. Sadness and shame are socially useful, they can take the other person for us because we show that we have feelings. That way we can resolve conflicts.”

with his book The emotional person Vingerhoets wants to do something about the unjustified negative image that is attached to emotions. “Through scientific research, we now know that negative emotions are also useful. Anger, for example, can cause abuses to be exposed. Look at the Black Lives Matter movement, it wouldn’t have gotten so big if no one had gotten mad. And did you know that gloom can help to correctly assess a situation?”

According to Vingerhoets, what matters in life is emotional intelligence. By this he means: knowing what the functions of emotions are and how you can apply them. “It really comes down to four points. First of all: recognize emotions, both in yourself and in others. Then: realize that someone else in the same situation can experience very different emotions than you. Third: the ability to use emotions in a positive and productive way. Finally, make sure that you remain in control of your emotions and not the other way around. The latter two can partly be trained, partly they are personal characteristics.”

Training negative emotions

Training, how? Vingerhoets: “First of all, you can of course find out more about emotions, for example by looking up information in books or online. That way you can at least provide a good foundation. It is partly about facts and insights. For example, if you are going to brainstorm to come up with new, creative ideas or solutions to a problem, it is useful to know that it is good that people are in a happy mood in such a situation. But if you want to evaluate something critically, people should not be too cheerful. In that case it is even better to create a somewhat gloomy mood.”

If you can’t figure it out on your own, you can call in an emotion coach. There have been dozens across the country since the training started in 2018. Vera Helleman is developer of the Emotion Coaching method and author of The Emotion Encyclopedia. She wrote this book because she saw many people suffer because of their emotions. Helleman: “It’s a shame, emotions want to tell you something important. They are there to help you get back into balance. I often see that people act from emotion, but are not aware of it. They sometimes do the opposite of what they should be doing. I want to encourage people to act consciously according to their feelings, so that they do what is right for them. This will only work if you can react neutrally to emotions that arise in you. Fortunately, that can be learned.”

In case of fear, anger, disgust, sadness or jealousy, ask yourself:

1. What exactly am I feeling? What belief is behind it?
2. Is that belief correct?
3. What can I do to turn this around?

Persuasion

According to Helleman, an emotion is nothing more than a reaction to one’s own interpretation of what is happening at that moment. “It’s not the truth, it’s a belief one has about what’s going on and what the emotion is reacting to. Suppose the boss frowns. Then you may think: I must have done something wrong, my boss is angry. But it doesn’t have to be. The boss may also have received a nasty message and just thought about it. So your conclusion does not have to be correct.”

alarm bell

How can we ensure that an emotion does not run off with us? “By taking three steps”, advises Helleman. “First of all, dare to feel the emotion. You don’t have to suppress it, but you don’t have to express it either. Look at it neutrally, without going into any thoughts that arise. Research shows that an emotion runs through your body for a maximum of 90 seconds. Just witness it. If you feel angry, realize: I am not angry, I am feeling angry right now. That will pass. The second step is: question the belief that came up when you felt the emotion. Is that belief really true? Can I see it differently? Do I want to see it differently? You always have a choice of how you want to view things. The third step is: listening to what the emotion is really saying. Emotions can be divided into categories, each with a different message. Anger, for example, indicates that you let something in the outside world throw you off balance. The message of anger is that you have to come back to yourself and stand for instead of fighting against. Anxiety is a sign that you have handed over control of your life to something or someone in the outside world. This emotion tells you to take responsibility for yourself. Dislike indicates that you are going beyond your own limits. The latter is often not noticed, while aversion is an emotion with an important message: distance yourself and rest. If you practice this, emotions can start to work like an alarm bell. As soon as you feel one coming on, you can realize: aha, I have a choice! In this way you can free yourself from destructive beliefs and patterns, and replace them with healthy behavior.”

mild look

All emotions have a function, including negative ones, says Professor of Positive Psychology Jan Auke Walburg. “In my view there are no negative emotions, all emotions have a positive side. Take jealousy for example. There is a negative value judgment attached to this, but it does not have to be negative. Suppose your partner does pay a lot of attention to someone else. Then jealousy can be a real signal. It may be useful to discuss this together.

Another common example: the fear of not being good enough at work. It can be useful because it motivates you to do your best. But if this fear keeps you from getting anything out of your hands, you’re going to blow up. Or take mourning. Grief makes sense after the death of a loved one. But whoever locks himself up for years in that mourning, forgets to live.

That’s a shame. That is not what life is meant for, it is meant to be developed. It is best to accept negative emotions as a necessary part of life. You don’t have to be afraid of it. Don’t push them away as something that shouldn’t be there. But be careful not to let those emotions go too far, so that you become bitter or disappointed and start to withdraw.”

In general, according to Walburg, it is important to look at ourselves and our emotions with mildness and compassion. “Anyone who sets less high standards for themselves and accepts that every now and then failure is part of it, has a more enjoyable life. No one looks in the mirror and thinks: I’m all right, I look great, I’m doing great. Everyone has doubts and aspects that are disappointing or even problematic. You can dive right into that and find it a problem, but in everyday life it’s better to look at it with mildness. Fortunately, most people can.”

What can I do with negative emotions?

So it is fine to signal negative emotions, but there is more that can be done with it. We can analyze them and ask ourselves: why do I have this emotion, what is behind it, what can I do with it? Walburg calls the latter the action component of an emotion. “Always ask yourself: can I turn this feeling into something good? Suppose you feel frustrated. Why? What is causing that frustration? You may not be listened to in meetings or by your partner. Okay. What can you do about that? Perhaps you could be clearer, or more definite. If you do that, the frustration has made sense.”

Like Hellemans, Walburg sees the benefits of negative emotions. “You can ask yourself three questions about such an emotion. First of all: what exactly am I experiencing? Fear, for example. What belief is behind that? That could be: I have to be perfect. The second question then is: is that belief correct? Often the answer to that second question is no. Then try to look at yourself with more compassion.

Finally, you can ask yourself: what can I do to turn this around? That’s the action component. Sometimes the answer to that question is to talk to someone. Speaking you out. But it can also be an internal dialogue, resulting in the insight that you are too strict with yourself.

The solution is then in your mind. In that case, positive distraction can help. Simply do something fun, go outside, do a mindfulness exercise or visit a museum. In the latter case, it can be interesting to dwell on a work of art that you find ugly. Ask yourself: why do I find this artwork ugly and what does that say about me? Extremely educational.”