Sand, as many have recently argued on social media, it is true that dividing all the behaviors that the potential other person has towards us into red flags or green flags is not healthy, but it is equally true that there are positive behaviors in couples. One of them is the pebbling, or paying attention to the little things, which in love translates into having mutual “considerations” and daily attentions which not only strengthen knowledge but cement the bond.
Pebbling, in love, is the behavior that penguins have
Leaving an affectionate note, returning home with the other person’s favorite dessert, sharing that meme relating to the TV series you just finished watching together on social media. They are small gestures but of enormous importance in a relationship. Concerns and attentions which in jargon are called pebblingstealing the term from ethology. Indeed this indicates typical behavior of Antarctic penguins: «During the breeding season, penguins donate small pebbles, in English pebblesto the partner. The stones, which are then used to build the nest, will have the important task of keeping the eggs raised from the cold and wet ground. The act of offering the “perfect” pebble, i.e. round and smooth, is therefore interpreted as a sign of care and attention. Beyond its biological purpose, iIn fact, Pebbling represents a real social ritual: those who offer pebbles show willingness to invest in the bond. Precisely for this reason, the term has recently been borrowed from psychology and human relational language for indicate the small daily gestures of care within the couple» explains the Dr. Federica Cofini, Psychologist, expert in couple relationships.
It is therefore from this gesture, and therefore from the possibility of wanting to establish a lasting bond, that psychologists draw inspiration to describe the daily behaviors that should be maintained within the couple. Those seemingly harmless gestures but which instead tell much more about the feelings that partners have for each other.
Pebbling in love, the great attention that is reserved for daily gestures
But what is hidden behind the small attentions? Nourish a sense of connection and emotional security within the relationship. That is, sometimes it doesn’t take much to make your partner feel cared for and loved. «But not only that. Recently the term has been adapted into common parlance and on social media to mean the gesture of sending memes, links, articles or videos to your partner – but also to friends and family – as a demonstration of affection. To implicitly communicate to him “you are in my thoughts”. Whether it is real pebbles, small concrete actions or digital micro-signals, what makes Pebbling truly effective is therefore its ability to give daily confirmation to the other that the bond exists and has value».
Small daily gestures which however are fundamental and to which psychology itself is starting to give great importance, especially in the field of relationships. «Studies by psychologist John Gottman, for example, have highlighted how the stability of a couple is closely related to the way in which partners respond to small attempts at daily connection, technically defined bids for connection of the Other. A look, a message, a joke when welcomed, become mutual emotional signals that allow the relationship to work better.” It is no coincidence, as the expert explains, that in couple psychology we realize that very often love relationships do not end due to the absence of great romantic gestures but rather due to the lack of small daily attentions. And pebbling is precisely this: starting to pay attention and take small gestures into consideration, beyond the large and sensational ones that cannot replace the caring dimension of small daily actions.
Pebbling in love also includes the small – digital – gesture that counts
A new way of experiencing love? Yes, at least in part. Even in the past, young couples were always advised to nourish their relationship with everyday gestures. Today, digital communication can also be included within this category: «Sending a meme, chosen specifically for the other person, is a way to make it clear that you are thinking of them. This is what the sociologist Bauman defines liquid: relationships today are influenced by frenetic pace, mobility and a greater focus on individual fulfillment. It is therefore not surprising that the creation of an emotional bond is increasingly accompanied by the creeping fear that relationships that are significant to us could slip through our fingers at any moment. In this context, even small digital gestures have a different weight».
Are we still romantic?
«Definitely, though romance today has evolved. The great gestures, like a surprise trip or a statement they are important, not only because they mark the rhythm of a love story but also because, on an organic level, they tend to activate dopamine-related reward circuits. A neurotransmitter associated with excitement, novelty, and instant gratification. For this reason they are intense and memorable moments but, by their nature, episodic.”
But it’s on small gestures that the brain also reacts differently. These do not produce the emotional peak but «at a neurochemical level they activate the production of various hormones and neurotransmitters. Among these, oxytocin stands outalso called “bonding hormone” or “love hormone”. Being intentional gestures rooted in knowledge of the Other, they are in fact, from a psychological point of view, linked to attachment dynamics and affective regulation. We are therefore faced with a quieter but also more stable form of romance. In other words, if the big gesture ignites the emotion, it is the small attentions repeated over time that build the emotional security of a relationship» concludes the expert.