If you think I write too much about myself, please say so. I have a separate mailbox for that. But geez people, I did something so scary last week – the scariest thing in my entire life.
I was standing in front of a sold-out Amsterdam Stadsschouwburg, in front of 750 people. My own fault, I know. But I slept poorly for weeks, constantly had a strange fog in my head. And I felt day and night as if I had consumed 1,000 espressos.
But finally it was December 3. I had to get on the train, the tram, and onto that huge stage. I thought: they will probably stay at home. They probably won’t show up. But there they were. “750 Waldorfs and Statlers from the Muppet Show“, someone wrote on LinkedIn. You should have seen it. But really, this was a horror movie.
Why am I writing this? Because everyone regularly has to do things that are terrifying. And then you get all these very well-intentioned advice that doesn’t help at all, right? Sweet. But useless.
And so I thought I’d list them. The 13 worst tips you can give someone who has to do something scary. You know them. Just before an exciting date, an important presentation, the dentist, a performance review, a birth, a speech during Christmas dinner, a job application. Brace yourself, here they come.
1
‘Picture everyone naked’. Well no. Certainly not at the dentist. During a funeral. And certainly not during a date, when you’re about to make your move. Of course I’ve tried it before, in front of a full house. That was a very interesting afternoon at ABN Amro. I saw six-packs, beer bellies, saggy tits, full erections, antler tattoos and glans piercings. Super interesting. But not when you need to concentrate, so to speak.
2
‘Have a drink’. Not. Very nice if you are a CEO and want people to laugh at you during your New Year’s speech. But not right before something scary when it’s useful when your brain is working.
3
‘Manifest it’. Nope. Manifesting is for lapswans. If construction workers were to manifest, we would all be living in castles in the air.
4
‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ Well, things go wrong. And everything on which something important depended slips through your fingers. Don’t put things into perspective. Just take it seriously.
5
‘You got this’. Certainly. But only if you’ve worked to get ‘this’ first.
6
“It’s going to be okay.” Not always. And certainly not automatically.
7
‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’. Who ever thought of that? That you’re snorting coke, pissing against a cop with a bacon in your hand and a flare up your ass. Yes! Very out of your comfort zone. And then?
8
‘Stay close to yourself’. No, of course not. Or well, if you’re Barack Obama. Barbra Streisand, Brigitte Kaandorp or the Dalai Lama – then it’s fine. For all those other people it is better to rise above yourself.
9
“It’s better to regret something you failed than something you didn’t try.” Sure dude. Try explaining that to someone who just ruined her dream job application. A dream woman gone wrong. Or perished during his first theater show. Or that hand on your colleague’s ass – man, that was scary. Anyway, give it a try!
10
“Don’t think too much.” Haha. Exactly. Before, during and after!
11
‘Feedback is a gift’. No, only feedback from people you trust and appreciate is a gift. Not from Johan, the scrum master from Akersloot, who felt like shitting on your mailbox.
12
“I’ve never done it before, so I think I can do it.” Shall we stop doing that too? Very much. First, because Pippi Longstocking NEVER said this. And secondly, because the LAST thing you should think about if you’ve never done it before is to shake it up your sleeve.
13
‘REMEMBER TO ENJOY’. Hahaha. When exactly? While sweating? During the stress? No huh? Afterwards. Then yes. To the fullest. The relief. That you died a thousand deaths and that they all rose again.
Because I almost forgot to say that: when the scariest thing you’ve ever done succeeds. Like happened to me. They laughed, they clapped, I’m still alive. Nothing compares to that.
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