Recommendations of the Editorial team
It’s that time again. That very special time of year when you can’t walk into a supermarket without being ambushed by “Jingle Bell Rock” or bombarded by Paul McCartney wishing you a “Wonderful Christmastime.” Every artist who has ever sold more than two records tries their hand at a Christmas song at some point. The amount of great Christmas music out there is breathtaking.
The worst Christmas songs
But alongside all these Christmas beauties there is also a lot of Christmas crap. Our list of the worst Christmas songs includes psychotic defacements of beloved classics, horrific attempts to set new standards, hideous novelties and much more.
20. Stevie Wonder, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Me”
In 1967, Stevie Wonder, just 17 years old and already a top talent at Motown – if not yet a legend in his day – released his eighth album (in five years!), “Someday at Christmas,” which features this sweet song in which Wonder sings in the voice of the star on your Christmas tree.
The song, which didn’t exactly reflect the sound of the young Americans, was hardly a success two years earlier when the Supremes had sung it. Here, a tired-sounding, half-hearted Stevie and syrupy strings pretty much turn him into mush. —JG
19. New Kids on the Block, “Funky, Funky, Xmas”
The spelling is just the first reason to groan. “It’s boring, it’s boring. The same thing every year,” complains an elf at the beginning of the song. So the NKOTB decide to change something. Unfortunately for them, a restart of Christmas means a completely joyless chorus to sing along to. A bass line that is lamely reminiscent of “Another One Bites the Dust”. And rap passages in which they try to impress us with their Beastie Boys-esque lines (“Throw your hands in the air… Pause… Kick the ballistics, Santa Claus!”).
Which only makes us long for the original even more. And the Christmas Carol equivalent of Charlie Brown getting a rock is Donnie Wahlberg doing a drum solo. —D.B
18. Pentatonix, “That’s Christmas to Me”
It only takes three minutes. But it feels like 30. In these seemingly endless 180 seconds, the a cappella quintet Pentatonix describes a peaceful, idyllic scene. A brightly burning fireplace, hanging stockings, a “good old Christmas tree.” But with just their voices singing in unison, it quickly becomes boring.
Aside from a line about “Santa waking me from my dreams” (which is a bit vague), the song, written by the group’s baritone Scott Hoying and vocal percussionist Kevin Olusola, has no plot and inspires no anticipation. If this is Christmas for them, it’s safe to say they got lots of socks and scented candles from Santa. —KG
17. Justin Bieber, “Mistletoe”
What’s more disturbing: 17-year-old Justin Bieber singing the word “shawty” or the fact that the video shows him sending his girlfriend a Christmas card and signing it “Justin Bieber”? She should run as far away from this mistletoe as possible. Bieber has had his fair share of embarrassing moments over the years, but “Mistletoe” makes “Peaches” seem like “Stairway to Heaven.” —AM
16. Twenty One Pilots, “Christmas Saves the Year”
They meant well when they released a new holiday song of their own during our first (and perhaps not last) pandemic holiday season. And they even wrote a pretty nice melody to it and wrapped it in Trans-Siberian Orchestra gauze.
But the result is still as bleak and tough as their hits. And a line about “cheap decorations and flavored happiness” is particularly reminiscent of sad office parties. At least they don’t try to rap or sing in reggae patois. —D.B