It is with great sadness that I have to announce that I will stop writing these columns. I hope my readers find it as bad as I do, although I fear they will get over it faster than I do.
What is the case? The once famous football club Ajax has asked me to become its new trainer. It’s an offer I can’t refuse on moral grounds alone. After all, I have been following this club closely for many years and have never hesitated to provide written advice in times of adversity. This has apparently not escaped the attention of the club directors, a restless people who are constantly at odds with themselves.
“Why me?” I asked the man who called me and called himself a prominent Ajax director, although I no longer remember whether it was the technical director, the general manager, the head of the supervisory board or the board of directors. In any case, it was not Sjakie Swart, who knows the most about it.
“Because no one else of any importance wants it,” said the driver. “We have searched city and country and we have approached all kinds of celebrities, but everyone thanks us festively for the honor.” Someone even said: “Get on that shit cart yourself.” We also asked former Ajax coaches in vain, such as Frank de Boer and Erik ten Hag, and even Tomislav Ivic – but he turned out to be dead a long time ago, as a director you cannot keep track of everything.”
“Isn’t it better for me to sit on the board?”, I asked, because then you get a nice seat in the grandstand, where it is much safer than in that drafty dugout along the field.
“No, there is no room there anymore,” he said hastily, “we really need someone who is willing to do the dirty work in the fields. We are willing to pay a lot of money for it, even though we don’t have nearly as much money as we used to.”
I asked how much I could get, after which he mentioned an amount that I could not earn if I had continued with these columns until I was two hundred years old.
“I would like it if I could do it together with Marc Overmars,” I said carefully, “because things really only went wrong for you after he had to retire three years ago.”
“We tried, but he doesn’t want to go back,” the driver said glumly.
“Maybe he didn’t like the idea of meeting all those women he had sent his dick pics to after returning to Ajax.”
“Anyway,” said the driver, now somewhat impatiently, “we would like to know quickly whether you want to.”
“I have never given training,” I said in all honesty, “and as a football player I did not progress beyond the school team.”
“It doesn’t matter,” said the driver, “with us you can also provide training that you have looked up on AI.”
“Then I have one more request,” I said after some hesitation. “I would have liked to have ten other players. Only Mika Godts can stay.”
“That’s a side issue,” said the driver. “Our experience is: you only have to hire a German tout and in no time you will have eleven players who, thanks to their great contract, never want to leave Ajax.”
We agreed that I would start at the next Champions League match. Against Benfica. Egg.
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