Annoying comments at work because you fall outside the norm? You better say something, no matter how difficult that is sometimes

Dilemma

If you do not fall within the dominant group at work, you may encounter subtle and less subtle exclusion mechanisms – from well-intentioned comments about your origins to inadequate career opportunities. How can you best deal with this? And how should your colleagues deal with it?

Don’t bottle it up

Collecting and bottling it up does not work, is the firm belief of Joan de Windt. She provides training in dealing with ‘microaggressions’ – small, derogatory comments towards someone who deviates from the norm. According to De Windt, it is best to mention the discomfort caused by such comments in the same way you would give feedback. “You can say: gosh, you’re saying this now and it makes me feel left out or put aside. I would prefer it if you expressed yourself differently.”

Responding directly to someone in a diplomatic tone often turns out to be easier said than done, De Windt knows. “The annoying thing is that we often clam up a bit. Then we think: oh well, I must be wrong or: I shouldn’t act like that. You laugh along like a farmer with a toothache.”

How you react at the moment depends on several factors: first of all, your own character; but also who says what to you, and at what time. “What one person finds annoying, another does not find a problem,” says Sarita Bajnath, who also provides training to organizations that want to facilitate diversity and inclusion. “It also depends on what kind of (working) relationship you have with someone,” says Bajnath. It is better to come back to this in a one-on-one conversation.

But bringing it up is always difficult, “because no one likes to constantly be the reason for conflict,” says Bajnath. But know that if you don’t do it and you will laugh along again, the long-term consequences are greater for your own health, says De Windt. “It builds up in you and at a certain point the bucket is just full. The most important thing is that you have thrown it away. Bottling up microaggressions can make you sick.”

Reaction from colleagues

That conversation is important, because in addition to your own reaction, the reaction of colleagues plays a major role in how similar situations are dealt with in the future. De Windt and Bajnath advise bystanders who witness exclusion at work to stand up for their colleague. De Windt gives another cross. “For example, you can say: ‘Hey, I hear you saying this now, do you realize that this is bad for our colleague? Please don’t do that again.’”

If a colleague stands up for you, that is very valuable, but he must first recognize a comment or behavior as unpleasant or exclusionary. This is precisely where a lot of profit can be achieved, as Bajnath and De Windt notice in their training. Colleagues often appear not to be aware of the impact they can have. The crux therefore lies in increasing awareness and learning to recognize situations in which people are put in an uncomfortable situation or are excluded.

“For example, you can see someone’s body language,” says Bajnath, who tries to make teams more aware of subtle exclusion mechanisms in her training. This is an ongoing process, but the more awareness there is, the easier it is to help people who are often passed over in meetings, for example, to take up space. Bajnath: “You can then create space for someone in a subtle way. For example, by saying something like: hey, we haven’t heard that guy yet, or: he had a good idea last time.”

Bajnath sees increasing diversity and inclusion primarily as . This is best done if social safety in an organization is in order and people want to actively work on equal opportunities for all employees. Everyone has a role in facilitating that conversation. Certainly oh, who can create conditions in which such a cultural change must take place. If you want to become more inclusive as an employer, you must demonstrate inclusivity not only in word, but also in deed, says Bajnath. “If everyone has an equal chance of career opportunities and if people feel at home at work, this will benefit their motivation and therefore the entire organization.”

So

If colleagues approach you in a way that makes you feel excluded, or speak to you about your ‘being different’, it is best to say something immediately. Let us know how it affects you and how it affects you. Then you lose it and prevent negative feelings from accumulating. An open discussion is important for this, for which colleagues and employers also bear responsibility.

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