We all know them. The Kletsduos. Or even worse: the chat groups. They don’t have a podcast, but they do have a few episodes every day. Weekend recipes, baby talk, B&B full of lovea dog with gluten intolerance – and then it is only 9.20 am.
Nothing wrong with that until it is your colleagues. And you can’t go anywhere else. Silence? Hahaha, what silence cells. And you can’t work from home every day. Oh yes and your boss is nowhere to be seen, because self -managing teams.
A reader, let’s call him Alex (real name known to the editors), emailed me: “In a small workspace, two colleagues talk about private all day long. They do something, and sometimes I talk, but between those two it doesn’t stop. If I say something, it will probably turn against me.”
A friend to whom I presented the dilemma immediately said: “What an annoying party pooper. Do you work at home, Alex. If you are not able to go through your bowel movements, the last gossip and your love life with colleagues, what do you have to go to the office?”
But I understand Alex. You would prefer to take an anesthetic trolley to work and fell those chatters like a buffalo, right? But yes, criminal law. People like Alex, moreover, turns our economy on it. One of the last mortals who still do something in the office. So say it.
Someone in the street said, “Just say something about it.” But of course it doesn’t work. There is a good chance that you have already let it come too far. And never said anything about it. And if you do that now, it will be war.
Is there nothing to do about chatting colleagues? Sure. But that requires a smart and subtle interplay of manipulation, threat, temptation and coercion. Well, then. Because you insist like that. They are eight steps.
1 You start with a quiet hint.
Think of nosing, cutting nails, asking ‘you think it is good if I smoke here’, stop using deo, have lunch with a fries hair salon and extra garlic behind the computer without napkins, put your wet folding bike next to your desk, violate airdrums, and take off shoes. That is step 1.
2 Step 2 is making noise yourself.
So listen to Cannibal Corpse about the computer speakers, humming all day against your screen, making all your phone calls on a speaker and laugh hysterically every few minutes.
3 Step 3 is the planning and strategy phase.
So send anonymous emails to them about cake moments on the floors in the building where everyone gets lost. Say that two colleagues have an affair and that there is now consuming in the bicycle cellar. Release the latch of the toilet doors so that they get stuck there. Itching powder on their seats. And a Waakse ankle biter as an office dog.
4 Step 4 is joining in and oversemen.
My favorite. So take the floor yourself. And throw in a few nice conversation killers. Unsavory details about diseases and food poisoning, extensive exhibitions about pension power management, the history of the home ownership and about photosynthesis in conifers. Or just the classic: which letter I have pooped again, guys! Really very strange sounds came out. And that color. Not to do!
5 Step 5 is divided and rule.
A wedge float. Subtle rooting in the mutual relationships. So take one separately and say that the other person gossip over her, and vice versa. Say: “What Karin said about you last …”. And then: “No, I can’t say that.”
6 Step 6 is punishment.
The big boss invite a day to work in your room. Or say: “If you don’t stop chatting, I write everything out and make it into a PowerPoint that I show at the next management meeting.” And do that too.
7 Step 7 is rewarding.
“If you keep your mouth shut until 4 p.m., I tell a juicy gossip about Gerard who has a secret affair with Henk van Sales.”
8 Step 8 is the blow.
That is printing this column on A3 format and hanging in all lifts and in your office. Repeat the step -by -step plan a few times if necessary.
And oh, by the way, if you read this and think: “What crazy, I think it’s nice to chat and I never get complaints about it,” or you get this column without comment, then you are the chat colleague that everyone hates.
If nobody dares, I’ll say so.
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