I look at the photos on Instagram. The linen shirt, which I bought for him last summer. The beige sneakers, which he was so happy that he almost wanted to sleep with it. His hands, of which I know exactly on which sheet he always bites. It is real.
And yet I feel that I no longer know him. I no longer know what is important today, tomorrow or this week in his life, which he is awake at night. It’s almost like I’m looking at a strange one.
Strange woman
Perhaps it is because there is a strange woman next to him. Her arms around him, close to the shirt that I bought for him. Or because they look so happily in the camera together. It is and not.
I don’t know what is going on in him anymore. I have no idea how he is doing. The man, who even told me that the sheet itched on his left earlob, is no longer my husband. I swipe back in my stories again, look at the photo and the look in his eyes. He raises a beer and toast to me. Would he be happy?
Isabel is 38 and again alone: ‘The fear of a date is huge’
I hear the stories. After all months that we are apart, it still buzzes around us. I cling to every sentence that is said. It hurts when I hear that they fit so much better with his family than me. I get angry when I care that he thought our lives were only about my career.
Why am I actually listening? The stories are never positive. No one sentence tells how beautiful we had it together, how nice life was together. It feels every time I am tackled, fall flat on my face and have to scribble up again.
Limit account
In the search bar I enter his name. His profile is still full of photos of us, with photos of me. For a moment I get lost in our past, but then I tap the three dots in the corner and click on ‘limit account’. A few hours later I undo it again. It feels too final, as if I won him even further from my life.
38 And again alone: ‘There are people who try to stick a at least-all-to-label on me’
“Why do you still listen to those stories?” Apples Jeroen Me. I walk around for a few days with his question in my head. And honestly? Because this is the last thing I still have from us. If it doesn’t affect me anymore what he says, then we’re really gone. Forever. And I don’t know if I can handle that.
More wife
Especially for the most loyal readers, we send an email every day with all our daily highlights. Subscribe here. Furthermore, you can of course follow us closely on Tap,, ” Facebook and Instagram.