Separated holidays and parents: how to protect children from conflicts

THE‘summer for many children means relaxation and quality time with the family. For i children of separate parentshowever, the summer holidays risk becoming a mined field if adults do not keep their children out of their conflicts. The point should be simple: the separation concerns the couple, not the children. But in practice, too often the quarrels between former partners end up overwhelming children. We talked about it with the Dr. Elisa Stefanati, psychologist and psychotherapist EMDR in Ferrara and Milan.

Separate parents: the numbers that tell the change

In the last ten years, according to i Istat data, 35% increased by children with children and the family model has changed radically. For those who have separated, the summer becomes a real Maturity test (parental): agreements to be respected, decisions on times and ways of managing children who risk turning into an arm wrestling. And the first to put us back are always the children, especially if they end up in the dynamics of rivalry or grudges never resolved.

The trap of the triangulation: what it means

Dr. Elisa Stefanati, EMDR psychotherapist in Ferrara, warns about a underestimated phenomenon: triangulation. Happens When a parent involves children in conflictsusing them to send messages, discredit the other or simply to “team up”. Often the children are conveying communications between mom and dad, or worse, a become tools to hit the former partner.

This dynamic is dangerous. Children and teenagers “triangolati” live one stress that can leave them displaced, full of guilt and often leads them to develop problems such as aggression, dependence, self -harm or eating disorders. In practice, the parents pour children who have not been able to manage in the couple on their children.

7 rules for a serene summer

So what to do to avoid transforming holidays into a battlefield? Here are the advice of the experts:

1. Program together: Holidays, dates, places and contacts must always be agreed. Also inform children, without generating unnecessary uncertainties or anxieties.
2. Quality time with both: Both parents must be able to live peaceful time with their children. You don’t need the exotic holiday, just detach and devote yourself to fun and relaxing moments.
3. Never show jealousy or resentment: Children must perceive enthusiasm for the holiday they will do with the other parent, never tension or regret. The emotions of adults move to the little ones.
4. Guaranteed contacts: If the child lacks the other parent, he must be able to speak to him as often as he wants, without obstacles or guilt.
5. Emotional support: If the detachment weighs, asking for help from grandparents or relatives can be useful, both for the parent and for the child.
6. Involve children in preparation: Decide together what to bring, explore the goal, choose activities. This helps to live the passage with greater serenity.
7. No new hurried presentations: The holidays are not the right time to present a new partner just arrived. The changes must be managed with respect for the emotional times of children.