The copy on the joint bank account has been staring at me for weeks. What did he do that conscious Tuesday evening at that gas station if he had to go to his guest address via another highway? My head doesn’t want it. This would never do the person I love the most. But do I still know him? Is he still my person? I open WhatsApp again and don’t see his status changing for hours. Until it says there online. I am nauseous. The fear crawls through my body until I gagger to hang over the toilet. It won’t be?
38 And again alone: ’I feel especially stray wild for younger men’
It buzzes around me. I feel the meaningful looks of friends and family shooting over my head. Nobody really dares to pronounce it out loud, except for a distant colleague and my hairdresser. “Gosh, you normally only hear that when someone else is involved.” I push it away, hide it in a place where it doesn’t hit me in the face. With us it is different, we do come here as friends. But with every day and every week that passes, I feel him disappear more from our lives.
Crying
Between the crying showers I find the courage to app him. “We have to talk. I have questions.” He still tries to work out, here too busy and too little time, but it soon becomes clear to him that this is not an option. When he walks into our house and sits down in his corner by the window I already see the answer on his face. “Is it true?” I ask him with a trembling voice. He knocks his eyes down, mumbles that things go much faster than expected and sobbing that he doesn’t know it anymore. He cries. I cry. In one movement he travels our sixteen years through the shredder.
38 And again alone: ’The first time with someone else is as if you are shopping in a strange supermarket’
I really wanted to believe it wasn’t. That another woman had not found a secret back door in his heart to sneak inside. I was wrong. His phone, which he normally had hurry everywhere, was forbidden area for weeks. He suddenly spent it. And then suddenly there was that Saturday, when he disappeared from the radar for hours. He was too cheerful. Too absent. Too vague. My mother used to tell me that everywhere ‘too’ is not good for you. This turned out to be true.
My mother -in -law
I always cried the loudest that there is only room for someone else if things are wrong in your relationship. As if it makes it less bad. I feel bit by bit the life that we had disappeared together. Not only because we are apart, but because he lives on with her. With her up, taking beach walks, goes on a skiing holiday and introducing her to my mother -in -law.
It is as if he erases us, erases me, and fills in his life with another. It just stopped together with our lives alone, but I also lose my family. The people who treated me like a daughter and a sister. Where every Christmas I put my legs stabbed in tights under the table and where we just came to blow on a free Sunday afternoon for asparagus. Not because our relationship is over, but because he chooses someone else.
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