MAd ads, scansophatic, mess, avoidant, absent, girls: we labeled them in a thousand ways, all devaluers. A little truth was there, in some cases not so rare, but today things seem much changed. For the better. How are the fathers of today, have they finally found a space and a way to fully and joyfully live paternity?
The early April was spoken in Rimini, in a conference that compared the experience of various experts, as well as taking stock thanks to research Word to the fathers. The report explores contemporary paternity through a qualitative analysis, with the aim of understanding the needs, challenges and transformations lived from today’s fathers. And highlights how the paternal figure is no longer monolithic, But they take off in different forms depending on the family context, individual experiences and social expectations. We talked about it with Carlo Crudele45 years old, father of two eight -year -old twins and creator of the project “Word to fathers”.
How are the fathers of today, have they finally found a space and a way to fully and joyfully live paternity?
I wish I can say yes, but I would be doing the classic ‘longest step of the leg’: the fathers are many and as many are the ways in which they take charge – or not – their part of parenting. However, what you say is certainly true: the representation, on the contrary, is univocal. And not particularly flattering. Where a part of fathers is instead discovering that being dad is not this life sentence. I, when I can’t “be present” in the life of my twins even for a couple of days, I really feel as if I miss a piece: I like to help them in the tasks, accompany them and their friends to the various post-school activities, cook that handful of things that they do well, read the stories in the evening. To say: if for a month I did not have the weekly soccer game with friends, not to mention my working routine, I would definitely be less affected.
Just living with paternity today what does it mean?
Come to terms with the idea that the Real commitment is here, and that is not bad. You have a beautiful project in front, the most exciting in the world: a small tabula rasa (in my case even two, and of different sex: bingo!) On which you have the unmissable opportunity to inscribe the most beautiful, higher and more deep concepts that you can conceive. Then, of course, the outline is a sea of tiredness, having to give up on many things that first seemed essential to you, even the disappointment of realizing that the tabule in the end is not that they accept your concepts in such an uncritical way: yet, yet, If you look up and focus on the long run, in my opinion you can only rejoice. Yes, it’s really cool.
Neo very young fathers and neo fathers boomers (perhaps in the second or third “lap”): how does paternity change according to age today?
Every time I tell myself that my children should have made them ten, if not fifteen years earlier: I was one who didn’t want to, and the tenacity of what would then become my wife to tear me to my cosmic pessimism and make me decide. So Emma and Corrado arrived when I was 38 years old, and therefore I was less unconscious, more fearful, more slave than cultural narratives and careful more to give him stakes than to snatch them away from him: while instead you must not be only a little unconscious to do it, a son, but also to grow it up. Otherwise, as the spot said, enjoy only halfway.
Coming to Patti with the idea that the real commitment is here, and that it is not bad. You have a beautiful project in front, the most exciting in the world (Getty Images)
What should women yet have to get rid of and free their partners from clichés on paternity?
That there is a part of us who is trying. I am very solidarity with their basic distrust: we pay the inevitable scotto of infinite generations of absent, distracted, gruff, authoritarian companions for convenience, who made the minimum union and also wanted reverence. Today, however, there is a niche (in my opinion growing) of men who undertake every day, who perhaps still makes a mistake but in good faith. Here, in the legal that we do everything, rather than leaning the weight of our male ancestors, perhaps the field should be cleared of the past and given some confidence.
Separate fathers: what is missing from culture and law today so as not to penalize them?
It is a difficult theme, because even the separations are of all kinds and generalizing would be criminal, especially when there are so important feelings and relationships at stake. I certainly have fathers who have seen the family ‘broke out in my hands because of errors made by both sides, or simply because the feeling had exhausted, and that for the fear of seeing the children took away they resolved to accept unequal, sometimes very expensive conditions. The truth is that neither the mothers nor the fathers are two -dimensional characters, to which to stick an easy label, especially when we separate and put ourselves in the hands of third parties: but to overcome this trivialization it would take – in the private way as in the public – an alliance between the genres, a overcoming of the mutual stereotypes … and a understanding that, primarily, is fathers and mothers of a son. Which is an immense responsibility.
What should the fathers of teenagers know today to encourage a good relationship despite the necessary (and healthy) detachment put in place by the children?
Fortunately, Emma and Corrado still sleep in Latvian with us in a nice spaccosso tetris, and I crawl them until the pre -adolescence will take over, so I can’t speak for now. However, I think that the key lies in establishing clear rules and then in giving them confidence: teenagers are made to risk, making mistakes, falling and even suffering, then returning and perhaps in a way they ask for advice. Prevent him from taking that path, as well as impossible, I’m afraid is the teacher road to see them cracking away as eels. Or to make them grow frustrated, since then it will be all a line. Of course, I speak well because my mine turns eight years in June: let’s find ourselves here in a few years and I will tell you how often and how often, hexatment and like any other dad, I will have made everything wrong.
The 5 types of fathers of today
One of the central aspects of the study is the identification of five profiles of fathers, who represent the main ways in which men live their parental experience. However, these profiles are not rigid categories, but rather of the trends that can mix with each other. In fact, a father can show characteristics of multiple profiles simultaneously, without returning exclusively in only one.
To facilitate the analysis, the research considers the dominant profile as the most representative for each individual, that is, the one that best describes its prevailing approach to paternity. This method allows you to map the different forms of paternal experience, while recognizing that paternity is a complex and constantly evolving reality.
The traditional father
Still present in 30% of the interviewees, it refers to a consolidated model in which its main role is that of driving and a reference point. However, 45% of these fathers recognize that their approach can be distant and less effective in responding to the emotional needs of children.
The involved
Growing especially among under 40, It represents about 35% of the sample. Actively participates in the growth of children and 70% of them declare to share responsibilities in an equal way parenting with the mother. However, 60% say they feel still judged when taking traditionally maternal tasks, such as daily care and emotional management.
The balancer father
It concerns 25% of fathers and is often fought between career and family. 75% of these fathers claim to feel frustration due to the difficulty of reconciling work and family life, while 65% believe that companies do not offer adequate tools to support a more active authorship.
The reflective
Is characterized by a continuous reworking of its role and by will to overcome traditional stereotypes. However, 70% of these fathers say they feel still judged for a less rigid and more affectionate approach towards children, and 50% admit they are in difficulty in finding a balance between authoritativeness and emotional closeness.
In reorganization
It mainly includes fathers separated, foster or in new relationships. 50% of the separate fathers are heard a “Serie B” parentwhile 40% report difficulties in maintaining a stable relationship with children due to legal and organizational constraints. In addition, 55% experienced moments of strong emotional stress following the separation, with 30% that reports a sense of social isolation.
New Fathers: the surprises that emerged from the research
90% of the interviewed fathers believe that paternity today is much more complex than previous generations. While 75% consider greater work flexibility essential in order to be more present in children’s life, only 20% have access to concrete measures such as smart working or adequate leave.
60% of the separate fathers report difficulties in maintaining a stable relationship with children due to legal restrictions and limited visit times. Instead 40% of the fathers feel excluded from school and health decisions, while 50% believe that mothers are still considered the main point of reference by the institutions.
It must also be said that 65% of fathers experience a strong sense of guilt in order not to spend enough time with their children. And 50% fear that they are not a good reference model. While 45% believe they have received an emotionally distant education from their fathers, 35% have experienced difficulty in openly expressing their emotions with children.
I woman © RESERVED REPRODUCTION