First, what is desire?
The Polish sociologist Zygmunt Bauman (2003) speaks of “liquid modernity”, a concept that helps us understand why love relationships and desire become unstable. According to Bauman, we live in a society where everything is ephemeral, including affective ties. In the early stages of a relationship, desire arises with intensity because it is accompanied by the new, the uncertain and conquest. However, when the relationship is stabilized, the “liquidity” of our culture makes us look for novelty on other sides, which can generate a feeling of monotony within the couple.
The desire in the couple is a complex phenomenon that goes beyond the initial attraction. In the first meetings, eroticism is usually marked by the novelty, uncertainty and idealization of the other. However, over time, many couples experience a decrease in their sexual desire, which can generate frustration, doubts and even emotional distancing.
Why does this happen? Far from simplistic explanations such as routine or lack of love, desire is crossed by psychological, emotional and even cultural factors. From psychoanalysis, Freud already told us about the difficulty of reconciling love and desire in stable relationships, desire is always marked by lack, by what we feel we are missing and that we are looking for in the other. But what happens when that fault is filled or, worse, becomes predictable?
In a society where immediacy and overexposure to erotic stimuli are the order of the day, desire faces new challenges. The couple ceases to be the territory of the unknown to become a space of certainties, and with it, many times, the mystery and attraction are diluted. However, losing desire is not synonymous with losing love or means that it cannot be recovered.
For its part, the anthropologist Helen Fisher (2004) has studied love and desire from a biological perspective. She identifies three different brain systems involved in couple relationships:
1. The sexual desire, driven by testosterone and dopamine, which motivates us to look for sexual encounters.
2. Falling, characterized by an obsession towards the other person, fed by norepinephrine and serotonin.
3. The attachment, which arises over time and allows us to form stable ties through oxytocin and vasopressin.
How does the lack of desire in sexual self -esteem affect?
The desire in couples has a significant impact on sexual self -esteem, since it can affect how each individual perceives itself in the context of the relationship. The psychologist and sexologist David Schnarch, in his book “intimacy and self -esteem”, argues that sexual desire not only relates to physical attraction, but is also deeply linked to self -esteem and emotional connection between couples.
Schnarch suggests that when desire is reciprocal and satisfactory, the sexual self -esteem of both is reinforced. On the other hand, the lack of desire or dissatisfaction in the relationship can lead to feelings of insecurity and a decrease in the perception of oneself as a desirable lover or partner.
In addition, desire can also be influenced by open and honest communication among couples, which, according to psychologist Esther Perel, in his work “The state of desire”, is crucial to maintain the spark in the relationship and, therefore, strengthen sexual self -esteem. In summary, mutual desire and communication are key factors that influence sexual self -esteem within couples.
To all this arises the question How is desire in the couple revivious?
While each relationship is unique, there are some fundamental keys to reactivate desire and rebuild the erotic connection:
1. Exit the autopilot: Routine may be necessary for stability, but lethal for eroticism. Introducing news, changing habits and generating unexpected encounters can bring fresh air to the relationship.
2. The importance of distance: even if it sounds contradictory, desire needs a certain distance. When everything is accessible and predictable, the mystery disappears. Individual spaces, personal hobbies and moments of separation can help to meet again from another.
3. Eroticism beyond the genital: Sexuality to penetration is often reduced, when eroticism is a much broader game. Explore the body, fantasies and senses allows you to open new doors to pleasure.
4. Communication without taboos: Talking about what it likes, what bothers and what you want is key. Many couples assume that the other “should know” what excites us, when in reality desire is something dynamic that needs to be explored and expressed.
5. Break with the myth of “eternal flame”: it is normal for desire to fluctuate. It is not about returning to the initial fire, but about building an erotic that adapts to the evolution of the couple. The key is not to force desire, but to create the conditions so that it can again arise.
Recovering desire in the couple is not an impossible task, but it requires intention, creativity and, above all, emotional connection. The desire is not just about sex, but about looking at the other again from a place of curiosity, rediscovery and openness to new experiences.
If you feel that desire in your partner has turned off, do not take it as a final sentence. Instead of finding guilty, ask yourself: What can we do together to rewrite our love story?
With our advice and your desire we can relive that passion that united them.
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We advise you so you can rediscover your passion with your partner or exploration with yourself to have full sexuality
By CEDOC