Mother: “The mother of a classmate of my daughter (6) keeps following me with reports that her daughter is suffering from bullying from my child. I can’t imagine it, but of course I asked my daughter. She said that they always have fun playing together. I also asked the teacher whether she has ever observed aggressive behavior in my daughter – in general and specifically towards this girl. The teacher said that she couldn’t imagine anything about it. I told the mother this, but she persists. When I blocked her on WhatsApp, because it started to feel like stalking, she continued via text message.”
“She also walked to my daughter to speak to her. In the schoolyard she recently said that her daughter has nightmares because of the bullying. At that moment the children were just walking out of school. Her daughter greeted me cheerfully and chatted with my daughter. I stayed at their judo lesson and saw two happy girls who couldn’t keep away from each other. When I said that to the mother, she claimed that my daughter strikes when no one is around. What next? Do I take my child away? judo?”
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Enable school
Abdellah Mehraz: “I would not take your daughter out of judo. That feels like punishment for something she may not have done. You have checked whether the other mother’s accusations about your daughter are correct, and no one recognizes this. We do not know what the daughter says to the mother at home, to what extent fantasy still plays a role here, and we also do not know what is going on with mother.”
“The stalking must stop in any case. Sometimes mediation by mutual friends from, for example, a religious or neighborhood community can offer a solution. In any case, I advise you to make an appointment with the school’s internal counselor, explain what you have already done, and ask if he or she would like to invite you and the other mother for a meeting. Because this is of course also about safety at school.”
“If you have a partner, he or she could perhaps become a point of contact for the other mother, to take some of the stress away from you? I would keep all messages from the mother, if things escalate.”
Keep between parents
Levi van Dam: “It is very good to ring each other’s doorbells if something has happened between children at school. You do this in a respectful manner, of course. But what the accusing mother is doing here sounds intrusive and transgressive. I understand that this worries you.”
“It sounds like you are too alone in this. Talk about this with a few other parents with whom you get along well. ‘This happened to me, I find it complicated. Do you recognize that mother’s reproaches? Have you ever observed similar behavior in my daughter?’ This way you can check whether you may have a blind spot for your child’s behavior and get support at the same time.”
“I would definitely bring this up again with the teacher and see if the three of you can look at this issue. Removing judo seems too harsh a measure for now, because how do you explain that? And then your daughter may look at that other girl differently, while nothing seems to be wrong now. Keep this between the adults.”
Abdullah Mehraz is a pedagogue and director of Trias Pedagogica. Levi van Dam is a remedial educationalist and professor of Resilient Growing up at the University of Amsterdam
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