What do I let my five -year -old daughter talk about less fun things?

Mother: “My daughter (5) never wants to talk about annoying things she has experienced. She often gets a tantrum around dinner. I want it to be quiet during dinner, also for our two other children. I manage to calm her down, but I want to talk to her about it at a later moment, so that she can learn from the situation and I can indicate my limits. My daughter always clearly indicates at that kind of moments that she doesn’t want to talk about it, and if I try to persuade her to do this, she gets angry. Even if something bad has happened outdoors, she doesn’t want to tell anything about it. When I hear from a mother that she became sad at a party, my daughter doesn’t want to say anything about it. My partner and I want our children to grow up in a family where people are openly talking about less fun things. What do I do well at these moments? ”

Be curious

Ruth van der Hallen: “Learning to recognize emotions is an important development task. Children learn this gradually, in interaction with others. It helps if you accept that she is upset, and state what you notice: “I see that you are sad, how annoying for you!” Do not immediately ask for the cause. Strong emotions activate our stress system, which means that there is temporarily less mental space to reflect.

“Give her some room for the eruption, but stay in the neighborhood. This way you show that these feelings are also welcome in the house.

“If you come back to it, do so out of genuine curiosity, not with the expectation that there will be an answer. Show that it’s okay if she doesn’t want to say anything about it. Even as an adult it is not always clear where our emotions come from. You can say, “Crazy, that we sometimes don’t know why we get so angry?”

“If she does tell something, take it on, and don’t correct her. This way it is safe for her to share feelings.

“Sometimes it helps to discuss feelings indirectly, for example by reading a children’s book together in which emotions play a role.”

Explain

Tischa Neve: “Many children get an eruption after a day full of stimuli once they get home. Then they need that we stay with them in peace and do not reject them. Instead of asking her about causes, you better explain to her what happens at such a moment. That it is not surprising to get angry if your head is so full.

“Come back when she feels comfortable. Do not make a direct link with the specific event, usually children themselves find it annoying what happened. She may feel that there is an extra load on the conversation with you from your history, which can cause cramping.

“Say:” I see that your bucket overflows in the evening, that’s not nice, isn’t it, if you get so angry? How can we ensure that you are less tired at the end of the day? And what can we do together if you get angry? “

“If she finds it difficult to talk about specific events, you can talk to her more generally about feelings. Use films for that or situations around you. “

Ruth van der Hallen is a psychologist and assistant professor of clinical psychology at Erasmus University Rotterdam. Tischa Neve is a psychologist and educator. She is a co-author of Emotion, together wise in the world of emotions.