‘To survive I had to step in step from an early age’

‘I love the freedom I experience when I walk naked. I didn’t know that feeling at all. I had never experienced. I have been drilled from an early age. I had to follow the rules, otherwise something would wave. So I always walked in step, because I knew that you really were the jack if you didn’t listen. Then you were locked up and you were given only water and bread for three days. Or worse: you were beaten.

“As a baby of three months, I was removed from my home by the Guardianship Council, the predecessor of the Child Protection Board. I lived in Utrecht. It wasn’t until I was twelve that I learned that my older brother and our two sisters had also been taken away that day. I had no idea. I didn’t even know I had family until I was twelve.

“I was dragged everywhere when I was little. The first years I lived in the Utrecht Evert Zoudenbalch Huis on the Nieuwegracht. After that I ended up in the Aldegonde children’s home in Amersfoort. I remember large dormitories in which as many as forty boys slept. When we went to the dining room, we had to walk on the right side of the corridor. Not a hair on my head thinking of going the left side. That obedience was normal. That was my life.

“When I was about seven years old, I went to a foster family in Groningen, but that adventure only lasted a few weeks. The mother in that family got sick and so I had to go back. Then I ended up with a teacher couple in Soest. I was allowed to sit alone in my room and in the kitchen. I ate there too. Together with the dog. I was also taught in that teacher’s class. He regularly smashed the pointer on my back. He also beat me up at home. No idea why those people wanted to be foster parents. I think for the money.

“Once that man thought I had done something wrong again and stormed into my room and pulled his belt from his pants to beat me. He had only forgotten to close the kitchen door. The sheepdog flew up when he heard me moan and grabbed his master. That man is the only one I ever went to get a story from. When I was eighteen I cycled from Utrecht to Soest. I remembered exactly where the house was. There was no answer when I rang the bell. I turned around and saw four steaming tea cups on the table through the open French doors. I shouted for them to come out, but nothing happened. Then I left again.

“Through a short stop at a pedagogical institute in Amsterdam, I ended up back in the Aldegonde home. I was twelve.

‘At that time, my mother suddenly came into my life. She picked me and the other children up. My one sister lived with the Salvation Army in Baarn and the other two with a foster family in Apeldoorn. For me, the new home in Utrecht felt just like the children’s home, only with fewer children. Love was not there. We didn’t hug each other either, as you sometimes do in TV programs like without a trace sees. It was just another new situation in which you had to survive.

“I went to work when I was fifteen. All the money I earned, I had to give to my mother. Even my vacation money. She had since remarried and my stepfather didn’t like us. When I was eighteen I met my wife. She comes from a loving family. Her mother became a mother to me. She helped me to go my own way. And to claim space for myself. I wasn’t used to that at all. I always adapted.

“I joined the navy and there too my mother tried to determine what I could and could not do. When I was staying with my friend Tonny, she would send the military police to me because I wasn’t at the address I gave the Navy. And when I wanted to get married, my mother refused to give permission. Tonny and I ended up getting married in court. That is now 56 years ago. Fortunately, my father, whom I got in touch with again around the age of 25, was able to experience that. He died two weeks after the wedding. World War II had destroyed him.

“My sister has also passed away. I only have contact with my brother. I see it on his birthday. That’s all. But that’s fine. Because we are not a real family. I do have that family feeling with my wife and three children. We have a very good relationship. Also with the six grandchildren. I’ve never been afraid to become a father or start a family. I have always read a lot of parenting books and done courses. And I am always optimistic. Whatever happens. The time for survival is over.”