THE my parents were everything to me, they have always been a fixed point, a safe haven where I could take refuge. This year I lost them both within a few months of each other and unfortunately, although I am an adult woman, with a family to think about, I feel stuck. I can’t process the mourning, think back to the many beautiful moments spent together with joy and gratitude. I am left with a great void inside and I ask myself: how to move forward?
Julia
Doctor Marinella Cozzolino answers
Marinella Cozzolino She is a psychotherapist and clinical sexologist. She is the author of “Sex. Questions and answers”, “Family crimes. When love becomes tragedyShe is the creator of the Open Cards – Psychological Game52 questions, to learn to talk to each other, listen to each other, get to know each other. Also in the version for children aged 8 to 16.
Credits: Marinella Cozzolino
Losing a parent: when the disappearance is sudden or not
The loss of parents represents one of the most delicate and complex passages of human existence, a real crux of the life cycle which, although natural, it always retains a profoundly traumatic dimension. If life follows its course, each of us is destined sooner or later to deal with the decline, illness or sudden death of a parent, finding ourselves an orphan in a moment that marks an internal fracture that is difficult to ignore. When the loss is preceded by an illnesswe often go through a psychologically preparatory phase. The child, regardless of age, finds himself becoming a parent of his own parenttaking on concrete and symbolic tasks such as feeding, washing, managing the house and making decisions. This process can be almost more tolerable than a sudden deathbecause it progressively accustoms you to the idea of loss. However, alongside this preparation, an ambivalent feeling often creeps in, which can lead to wanting the suffering to end, to the point of perceiving death as a relief. The thought that the parent has stopped suffering coexists with the pain of separation.
When it is difficult to grieve
The way in which mourning is experienced depends profoundly on who that parent was and the type of relationship you had with him or her at the time of death. An adult and resolved relationship produces different effects than a conflictual or incomplete relationship, as well as the age of the child significantly affects the processing of the loss. Being an orphan at ten, fifteen or fifty years old is not the same experience, because the internal resources and the degree of autonomy achieved change. Once upon a timewhen many diseases were incurable and life expectancy was lower, one became orphans earlier but also adults earlier. Today, on the contrary, it is common for people aged sixty or sixty-five to have parents still alive, often very old, but still strongly anchored to their parental role, sometimes in an imposing, controlling or judging way. This phenomenon it can contribute to maintaining a form of prolonged immaturitywhich risks never being completely resolved.
Mother-daughter bond: when it is all-encompassing
Mourning the loss of a father or mother cannot be avoided, but must be experienced. It is necessary cut the cord that continues to bind the child to the parentespecially in cultural contexts where the family bond is particularly strong. In the Italian imagination, for example, the male is often described as deeply tied to the mother, but It is in relationships between mothers and daughters that a visceral and dependent attachment is most frequently observed. In some cases this bond can become so all-encompassing to prevail over any other relationship, generating feelings of guilt even in the face of normal experiences of autonomy, such as going on holiday or building an independent life.
Parents and children: what prevents full autonomy
When the relationship with the parent, especially with the mother, remains unresolved, the risk is that of never becoming fully adults. You can experience a suspended condition, in which you are simultaneously the parents of your own children and the children of your parents. In this situation, even the gaze of one’s children can be influenced, since they see a parent who is still vulnerable, still inserted into a dynamic of dependency. Life is then divided in half, between the role of adult and that of child. The lengthening of life has contributed to making this dynamic even more evident. Not simply existence has been prolonged, but above all old age, with the consequence that the bonds of dependence between parents and children extend over time. Forms of mutual aid are established in which, on the one hand, parents continue to manage practical aspects of their children’s livessuch as finances or caring for grandchildren, and on the other the children take care of their elderly parents.
Parents and children: mutual help
The balance between parents and children can become a sort of mutual crutch which, if not gradually overcome, prevents the development of full autonomy. The loss of parents, in this sense, it represents not only an emotional event, but also the loss of an existential center of gravity. If the adult identity has not been consolidated, mourning can result in the loss of the fundamental coordinates for orienting oneself in life. Being an adult in fact means being autonomous, which does not exclude the possibility of receiving help, but implies the ability to be in the world without being structurally dependent on someone else. If parents have been used as indispensable supports, their absence can leave a profound sense of loss, as if one were suddenly unable to walk.
If the loss occurs as a child
The situation changes radically when the loss occurs at an early age. Losing one or both parents during childhood or adolescence is a highly traumatic eventbecause precisely the support needed to grow and develop is missing. In these cases, not only is an emotional bond lost, but also a guide, a protection, a gaze that orients and contains. The child or adolescent he finds himself forced to face decisions and responsibilities for which he is not yet readyin a context in which many questions remain unanswered. The presence of substitute figures, such as grandparents, uncles or teachers, who can offer a function of maternal care or paternal protection is therefore fundamental.
Parents: when the loss is invisible
Finally, there is a less visible but equally significant form of loss that occurs when the parent is psychologically absent. In these cases we can speak of a kind of emotional orphans: the son is forced to give up a secure base without there having been any real mourning. An affectionate parent or one incapable of assuming their role generates a lack which forces the child to look for reference figures elsewhere, relying on substitutes who can offer the emotional support and security necessary for growth. In short, the loss of parentswhether it occurs gradually or suddenly, real or symbolic, requires you to redefine your position in the worldtransforming the original bond into an internalized basis from which to finally become adults.
