Nonotifications, messages, social media: we now spend a lot of time staring at a screen. Alone or in front of other people, grabbing your smartphone and taking a look at emails or news has become an almost automatic gesture. But what effect can all this have on relationships and in particular on the life of a couple?
To address the topic, on the occasion of Saint Valentineit’s ainvestigation promoted by Unobravoan online psychology service and Benefit Society, which analyzed precisely theimpact of digital on couple relationships. The starting question to which the search, from the title “Digital Love” (conducted on 1104 respondents) tried to provide a simple answer: can technology become aally of love or risks instead of weaken the emotional connection? Between live conversations interrupted by the screen and online discussions with a high rate of misunderstanding, here’s what emerged.
If your partner keeps peeking at the phone
Among the data collected by the survey, those concerning a great classic of couple life in the age of the smartphone: or the habit of peek at your phone during important conversations with your partner. A practice that seems to be consolidated by now: only about 18% of those interviewed, in fact, declares that he has never experienced interruptions of this type. For a significant portion of couples the use of the telephone during conversations is now a constant presence: in fact, over 50% of those interviewed find themselves dealing with this type of distraction with a variable frequency, even when the dialogue is relevant.
Smartphones and married life: what about dialogue?
On the quality of dialogue and in particular on the impact that online interactions may have on this aspect of the relationship, however, opinion is divided: for almost half of the interviewees (49%) the use of smartphones and chats significantly influences conversations, while the majority (51%) do not perceive a worsening. A fact that confirms how technology does not act uniformly, but you amplify dynamics that are already present in the relationship.
Love (still) remains an offline experience
Although it is now a consolidated habit to communicate via chat even as a coupleUnobravo’s research shows how physical presence continues to be perceived as central in building emotional bonds. More than 60% of those interviewed did not feels more connected through messages or chats compared to in-person meetings. Indeed, after spending time together using the smartphone one in 3 people (35%) feel more distant and only just over 1% feel closer to their partner.
Smartphones and married life: when emotions pass through the screen
Instead, they represent a critical point sensitive or emotionally difficult conversations handled through a screen: two thirds of the sample (75%) believe that misunderstandings are more likely to arise online, in fact, 67% of those interviewed prefer to face this type of comparison in person. Despite this, nearly one in five (20%) perceive these conversations as more emotionally manageable if faced behind a screen, suggesting that an online comparison can offer, in some cases, a feeling of greater control emotional. When a conflict arises, the use of digital technology more often tends to postpone the confrontation or make the situation worse, a negative effect perceived by over 60% of those interviewed. However, for the 59% of the sample, the use of smartphones and chats is rarely or never a cause for discussion, showing how it is not the direct cause of friction in the couple.
If your partner spends a lot of time on the phone
And when the partner spends a lot of time on the smartphone? Little more 60% of those interviewed feel a sense of emotional distance and almost the 46% complain of frustration. Despite this, in couples talk openly about rules and boundaries in the use of digital appears to still be a taboo: almost 60% of respondents admit to never having had the conversation with your partner and just under 11% say they have tried but without success. An interesting fact? More than 2 out of 3 respondents (77%) believes that one more aware management of digital could improve the well-being of the couple quite or a lot.
Smartphones and married life: what rules to adopt?
The survey therefore suggests that the use of digital within a couple’s relationship should not be demonised. It alone does not create or destroy love: What makes the difference are boundaries, listening and awareness, fundamental elements for technology to support – and not obstacles – intimacy and communication as a couple. What healthy rules can a couple give themselves then? «More than rigid rules, it can be useful build shared agreements”, explains Valeria Fiorenza Perris, Psychotherapist and Clinical Director of Unobravo. «A balanced use of the smartphone is born when both partners recognize that the time spent on digital has an impact on the quality of the relationship. Establish realistic expectations – for example on when it is important to be present to enjoy the moment and the relationship and when not – can help to avoid misunderstandings. The most functional agreement is the one that takes into account the needs of both and which can be renegotiated over time.”
How to establish digital detox moments for couples?
Can it therefore be useful to try to establish phone-free moments? «Yes but only if these moments are experienced as a space for caring for the relationshipNot as an imposed limitation. They work when they are shared and take on meaning for both partners: not “why the phone is wrong”, but why Paying attention to each other has an important value. Propose them how an experiment, a possibility, and not as a definitive rulereduces the risk of tension and promotes greater adhesion”, suggests the psychotherapist.
How to manage ‘phubbing’?
Tensions in couples often arise also due to behaviors such as the classic one phubbing (neologism from phone And snubbing, that is, when one partner ignores the other while looking at the phone). How to react in those cases without falling into a dispute? «Phubbing often arises not from disinterest, but from digital automation”invites the psychotherapist and Clinical Director of Unobravo to reflect. “React starting from what you feel – for example by expressing a perception of distance or not listening – can be more effective than simply criticizing behavior of the other. Move the focus from the action that hurts us to the emotional effect that it is generating in us helps to keep the dialogue open about how we feel.”
Smartphones and married life: talking about it helps
In short, broach the topic with your partner without seeming accusatory or controlling, it is possible.
«It’s important talk about smartphone use during shared moments like one dynamic of a couple, not as an individual problem”, advises the expert. «Using “we” instead of “you”, share doubts and personal needs and choosing calm moments to broach the topic can facilitate a less defensive conversation. The objective is not to control, but to understand how digital enters the relationship and what space we want to give it”.
Create spaces of real presence
«More than drastically reduce smartphone use, it can be useful to ask yourself what function it has in the relationship. Digital is not an enemy, but a tool that must be integrated with intentionality. Protecting the relationship means creating spaces of real presence in which looking, listening and sharing are not continually interrupted. It is these moments, often simple, that make the difference in the long term.”
Password: awareness
In short, the important thing is being aware of certain dynamics, recognizing how and how much digital influences the relationship. «From our study Digital Love it emerges that many couples don’t immediately feel the impact of the smartphone, but feel the effects over timein the form of distance or misunderstandings”, concludes Valeria Fiorenza Perris. «Being aware means being able to choose, instead of acting automatically, and this has an effect protective effect on bond quality».
