‘Designed in Amsterdam for daily life’. I stare in amazement at the slogan on the wall of the Hema branch. English, that’s not exactly Real Hema, their old slogan. And I also wonder whether such a reference to Amsterdam is necessarily a hit here in the heart of Rotterdam. Anyway, would ‘from Amsterdam’ be a selling point in the rest of the Netherlands? Yes, abroad, wherever Hema is active, our capital usually has a positive, modern, open connotation. But in the Netherlands it is – sorry Amsterdam – different. There, ‘designed in Amsterdam’ can best be interpreted as: ‘Designed by a bunch of too hip smartass who are mainly concerned with themselves.’ It seems that Hema has also used marketing material that was mainly devised for abroad in the Netherlands.
A few days later, while my wife and I are fabricating a school treat for our youngest, my wife grumbles that the tape doesn’t stick. She takes another cardboard, but again it doesn’t stick. ‘Give it here then’, I say at my best mansplains. As if masking tape only works if you apply it in just the right way. But it really doesn’t stick. To be more precise: the Hema adhesive tape does not stick. An enormous irritation takes hold of me. Non-sticky tape is special, but non-sticky Hema tape is unforgivable. If there is one tape that should stick, it’s Hema tape.
Because simply good products, that is – or was – the essence of Hema. A binder that doesn’t flicker apart after a week and that also looks a bit nice: real Hema. Solid, nice, not too expensive tea towel: real Hema. Just good socks: really Hema.
Not anymore. That tape is my umpteenth recent Hema product that just isn’t good. Previously, we had pajamas and dishcloths that would have holes in them in no time. And now non-sticky tape. I’m so tired of it. The nice thing about the Hema was that you might pay a little more than at junk shops like the Action and the SoLow, but at least they didn’t do shit. Real Hema became Fake Hema.
It is difficult not to think of the venture capitalists who have owned the company in recent years and have covered it with debts when Hema has become hip and anglicised, and when its products are dredging up. It squeaked and it cracked. Hema eventually came into the hands of the Van Eerd family, owner of Jumbo Supermarkets. Last year, he recruited Etos CEO Egas Reparaz to lead the chain. She said in an interview in de Volkskrant: ‘We think about how we can give our products a second, third and even fourth life.’ For the time being, I would be very happy with Hema products that simply last their first life.
Jasper van Kuijk on Twitter: @jaspervankuijk