Discussing death with children remains difficult for many adults, but according to pulmonologist Sander de Hosson from Assen, this is actually unwise. With the children’s book Game Over, all about dying which will be published on Tuesday, he wants to make the conversation about dying and saying goodbye more accessible.
De Hosson, who works at the Wilhelmina Hospital in Assen, wrote the book together with journalist Els Quaegebeur. It is their second joint project, after Add life to the days from 2023. In the new book they explain step by step what happens when someone becomes ill, dies and ultimately dies.
According to De Hosson, the idea for the book arose on the work floor. “I often noticed that there was discomfort when children or grandchildren came to the department,” he says. “What can and cannot be discussed? That conversation is often easy for children to have, but the discomfort lies with us as adults.”
According to him, this often leads to the subject being avoided. “We quickly think: this is too heavy, you shouldn’t bother a child with that. So we postpone it or come up with soothing stories.” But that is counterproductive, he emphasizes. “You saddle children with baggage, while they have questions. Experts also say: talk about it as it is. Not talking about it can damage children.”
De Hosson also knows from personal experience how confusing death can be for children. When he was eleven years old, his grandfather died of lung cancer. “He was coughing up blood and I wasn’t allowed to see it because it would be too nasty,” he says. “But that’s exactly what caused my imagination to run away with me. I saw my grandfather as some kind of bloodthirsty monster. That became death for me.”
That experience stayed with him for a long time. “I found death very scary. Even later, as a doctor, I did not dare to look at a chimney alone and I asked if a nurse would accompany me.” That is precisely why he said he would have benefited greatly from a book like this. “It explains how it really works. Why someone gets cold, what happens after death. Children sometimes think that you are immediately a skeleton. By explaining it, you make it less scary.”
The book was two years in the making. The authors chose to describe the process from becoming ill to death chronologically. It is striking that grief has been deliberately left out of the book. “We really wanted to focus on the dying process and everything that comes with it,” says De Hosson.
To ensure that the book fits in well with the lived experience, De Hosson and Quaegebeur spoke to dozens of children and their parents. “We really asked: what are your questions? That provided very valuable insights.” The result is a book for children aged approximately 7 to 13, in which subjects such as dementia, euthanasia and suicide are not avoided.
“Precisely because it also happens in real life,” says De Hosson. “Difficult things become less scary when someone calmly explains them.”
