Due to current events: Paula Irmschler on grooming.
Dear people, Content Note: This is not the first time I have written about the topic of grooming in this column. This has often been about the exercise of sexual power over young people, so I will certainly repeat myself, but you already know that from me anyway.
When it comes to larger age differences, I get very harsh, my friends already know that, oh you again, yeah yeah. What is it doing here in the pop column? Very much, grooming is omnipresent in pop culture. Last week I saw a few YouTube videos about Ariana Grande’s Disney beginnings, there’s a new Arte documentary about the sexualization of young Britney, in which her schoolgirl aesthetic is described as “attractive” – and just a few minutes ago I saw how Till Lindemann is sung about by Chris Martin – Lindemann, who, as is well known, “prefers” young women, which too many people find completely normal.
Last year, many people laughed at Kendrick’s disses against Drake – e.g. “Tryna strike a chord and it’s probably A-Minooooor” or “Certified lover boy? Certified pedophile” – from “Not Like Us”. The reason: Drake is repeatedly accused of grooming girls and young women and in the culture in which we live, this is primarily a joke about the man and not a reason to show solidarity with those affected.
The abuse of young people by people from pop culture does not seem to be the exception, but rather, worse, part of it. There are entire lists that collect which pop and rock stars have allegedly or legally proven abused and raped, there have been marriages with minors, enough testimonials and cultural products about “groupies”, there are always cases in which young women systematically sexually abuse large males Stars were “fed”. We’ve been talking about it for years, it’s all clear to us. But it’s not just about a power mismatch between fan and star, but in most cases also about big age gaps – and in my opinion we don’t talk enough about the latter. Some people naturalize it (men just like young women), others only know sex from porn anyway and only know sex as a functional activity, others only want to talk about violence if it is legally relevant and then of course there are still people who want to push the topic of sex and power into the private sphere – under the guise that everyone can do what they want, basically it’s simply the right of the stronger – as if none of this has something to do with all of us and our culture to do.
But here’s the thing: If you’re an older, adult man and your romantic, sexual or even friendship counterpart is a teenager or in their early 20s, then you simply haven’t had the same time on this planet to have experiences and meet your needs explore, resolve conflicts, deal with your past, think about the future, make mistakes, repeat mistakes, learn from them and so on and so forth. If you are an older, adult man, think about what you were like when you were 17, 19, 22, 26, how you reacted to romantic, sexual and friendly encounters, what they did to you, how you reacted to them classified what traces they left behind.
But why is this topic again now? Of course because of Neil Gaiman, the well-known author about who these days this incredible article at Vulture was published. This is about what Gaiman presumably did with much younger women and what consequences that had for them. There was already a podcast last year in addition.
I don’t want to summarize what he is accused of at this point; I think what is needed are these detailed, contextualized stories from those affected. Everyone will have their own opinion about how terrible what happened is or isn’t. But I want to address something that is often brought into play in the course of such publications. When those affected report abuse of power, the reaction is often quick with “She said yes,” “There was consensus,” or even “It was BDSM.” Famous alleged perpetrators and their supporters have learned. They know the language of supposed (pop culture) sex positivity and use it. This can be used to brush off any hurtful behavior: the person didn’t say “no,” the person may have even said “yes.”
Gaiman reacts the same way. He published a statement on his website in which he said several times that he had never (!) had non-consensual sexual encounters. That alone has to make you suspicious, because seriously: Can anyone say that with absolute certainty? How can you not be in doubt that everything you have experienced sexually with other people has always happened in order and on an equal basis for everyone, completely free of power and violence? And how can you be so sure when you are being accused of exactly the opposite, by several women and when these women are largely much younger and more dependent and have less power and capacity for violence than you yourself? How can you come out of the self-questioning about whether what you did to or with each other was not only okay for both of you, but also associated with pleasure? By relying on a consensus term that is completely – excuse my language – rubbish. Who ignores power, fear, trauma and manipulation and is not based on desire, equality and enthusiasm.
And just briefly about this BDSM thing, about kinks, preferences and fetishes: I don’t think you should approach a person you don’t know well, whose personality, experiences and thoughts you don’t know, with a preconceived idea of sexuality. I believe that sexuality is better developed together, discovered, tried out and discussed together. I believe that sexuality can only be consensual if it is different for each person. Then it’s not possible to brush off the whole thing afterwards, because it also depends on how people feel about it afterwards.
I have the feeling that for a few years now there has been a real genre in pop in which FLINTA* get even with those who exploit their young bodies and insecurities. Billie Eilish did it (“Your Power”), Mae Martin did it with her series “Feel Good,” Demi Lovato did it:
Demi Lovato’s case is a good example of what I’m getting at. I remember years ago how she raved about the person she accused of grooming in the song (she was 17, he was 29). For her it was love, the only thing she knew as a young person. It wasn’t until she was the perpetrator’s age that she understood what actually happened and how wrong the whole thing was.
Thought it was a teenage dream, just a fantasy
But was it yours or was it mine?
Is it really their own desire that these young people are living out with these experienced, powerful to violent men, is it their lust, is it really love? Quite a few women around me ask themselves this question as they get older, because many of us have “someone like that” in our biographies and we have to nibble on adjusting our relationship to sex and love for a long time.
Neil Gaiman uses exactly this phenomenon of participation in his statement. He does what many people who are confronted with allegations of abuse of power do – he looks through his old messages that he exchanged with the women, points out that there were happy, approving statements from these women about past or future events Encounters. I think that anyone who takes a look at themselves and remembers how and with whom they have communicated since Messenger came into being will realize how little this can be a testimony to “the truth” in relationships. But what is a testament to this is, damn it, what these women say after their reflection and, above all, the circumstances, the facts that are clearly in front of you: They are much younger women, well under 30, with much less life experience, in some cases unstable economic and family circumstances, partly dependent on him.
I don’t think you have to tell your own story to make a point, but I want to do it anyway because this point is so incredibly important to me. I was groomed too, between the ages of 13 and 17, and the guy could draw on a huge repertoire of romantic, joyful, happy messages from me. Why? Because I enjoyed the attention, because I was lonely, because there was no one else who wanted me, because I wanted love, because I thought that was love, because I was culturally taught that that was okay and even right , that attention from grown men is the most desirable thing and because I was afraid. It took me a long time to get rid of these false ideas about pleasure, to replace them with real ones that took place on an equal level – actually, I’m still dealing with that.
Even if those affected say “yes,” it doesn’t make the abuse right. It’s actually so tender what Billie put it there, “try not to abuse your power”. But really: just don’t do it. You are not an animal, you smart, creative literary man, you loud, progressive singer, you authentic, clever rapper, you normal normal man. You can decide that. You can leave young people alone and let them have their experiences with each other and rethink your relationship to women, being young and lust.