mMany separated or divorced mothers have written who are raising their children alone. There are some similar features in all letters. The two things that essentially unite all are:
1) a certain resentment towards fathers who are totally absent in the most difficult years of adolescent children
2) the lack of self-carelack of time dedicated to themselves.
They are all very moms caring and attentive to the needs of their childrenbut which are often heard crushed under responsibility that have. Today I reply to Anna who writes me:
Hi, I’m a divorced mom with a 13 year old son who is the youngest of 4 siblings.
We always have a bit of a storm at this time. There what scares me the most is that my son calls his father when some quarrel happens (which he has already done before). How should I behave?
Dr. Peltonen’s answer
Dearest Anna, it is certainly not easy to manage 4 children alone. For that alone she should be congratulated and proud of it.
I’d be curious about understand your fear better, what is it based on. Are you afraid of judgment from your ex-husband? Now it is not clear to me how much he is present in the life of the childrenbut especially if it is she mainly ad take care of herself children need not fear the judgment of her ex-husband or anyone else. She is doing the best she can in the situation she is in. No one has the right to judge her.
With teenagers, family quarrels are normal
It’s normal to argue with a teenager, it’s part of growing up as a child to oppose and challenge your parents. In all families with teenagers there is arguing, both those with married and separated parents. Her son is trying to understand how far he can go and what his reactions are as a mother.
Fear of judgment from whom?
Or is she afraid of her son’s judgement? Children always love their parents, even if they don’t show it. If her son tells his father about your fights maybe he just wants to get the attention and affection from his father who otherwise misses her, he is certainly not to hurt her. Try talking to your son about it openly, even admitting that she feels bad if he tells his father about your quarrels, these are situations that should remain between you. Pointing out that she understands that he would like some comfort from his father, and in itself there is nothing wrong, but if the father is not present cannot assess the situation objectively.
Never criticize the father in front of the son
Be careful, never criticize the father in front of his son, he is always his father, it would only be further and useless stabbings for a son who perhaps already suffers on his own for the lack of a father.
Peace after the quarrel
It would of course be optimal if you could always make peace after the quarrel, thus his son would not need to look for “allies” from the outside. And please, when you argue, always focus on the object, not on the person. Example: if he doesn’t do his homework it’s important to explain the usefulness of homework and why it has to be done, and not tell him that he’s good for nothing or that he’s not good because he never does his homework.
Teens and siblings
I’d also like to understand how the relationships with the other older brothers are. I hope they can be of help to him in the moments of the greatest storm, having perhaps been there too, and also giving a little support to his little brother so that he does not have to seek help from someone who is not present in your family. How have you handled disputes with them in the past? Can you consider using the same “techniques” with the youngest too? Always remember that the dialogue is essential.
Moms of teenagers, more time for themselves
I also hope that you will be able to find time to dedicate to yourself as well, to regain energy in order to be able to face the full weight of your responsibility. We mothers are always very busy managing other people’s things, work, family, relatives. It’s very important to create spaces and times for ourselves. We always take care of others, we take care of the house, of the children, perhaps of elderly parents, and we often forget about ourselves.
An exercise for mothers of teenagers
To start taking care of ourselves, it might be useful to take a notebook and start writing. Write how we would like to feel, how we would like to live, what our dreams and desires are. Because putting them in writing helps to make them happen. Finding time for yourself is not selfishness but a healthy need to recover energy so that you can then be present and loving in other moments. It is important to plan moments dedicated exclusively to the well-being of ourselves. They can be very simple things, you don’t need much time or money, 30 minutes a day is enough, to meditate, to take a walk in the park (or on the beach or in the mountains depending on where you live), to listen to music, to read a book, to do anything that gives us pleasure. Important that it is exclusive time, dedicated to us.
Read all the episodes of the column dedicated to Parents and teenagers here
Dr. Laura Peltonen.
Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching Schoolone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization always from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching».
For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
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