UA girl, in the waiting room, watches a video on her cell phone without using headphones. A gentleman, on the train, cuts his nails as if he were at home, another passenger took off his shoes and stretched out his feet on the seat in front. A boy, walking his dog, continues straight ahead, without picking up what the animal has left on the pavement. Raise your hand if you have never witnessed scenes like this, united by an annoying common thread: the obvious disregard of others. It’s not a boring protest against rudeness. It’s quite the laser gaze of Elisa Motterle, the only Italian trainer certified by the International Etiquette & Protocol Academy in London.
Good manners, never so out of fashion
Sspecialized in cross-cultural etiquette (her course with Paola Saia was unforgettable, A day at Kate’son the good manners of the English royals) this time seriously investigates, with even hilarious anecdotes, the reasons for informality, the world we live in and the (terrible) risks we run. The tao of good manners (Einaudi) is an investigation into spontaneity as an absolute value, from Donald Trump to casual Friday, from low cost flights to fast fashion.
Pay attention: today, attention to form is considered an out-of-date concept, a waste of time or even snobbery. «Let’s address each other first-hand!» we hear ourselves say. «Hello dear, can I help you?» is the usual greeting in many shops, instead of a “Good morning, ma’am”. Spontaneity is exalted, the right to be oneself, without filters.
Informality has become synonymous with authenticity
The ten million copies sold by The courage not to be liked by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga, or the success of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Sarah Knight, in Italian The magical power of not giving a damn ranked on New York Times for three hundred weeks, sends a very clear message: It doesn’t matter knowing how to be in the world with others, but learning not to care.
Courtesy formulas, waiting times, rituals have long marked the boundaries of mutual respect. Not anymore: everything is direct and immediate. Vocals have replaced phone calls, courtesy formulas are ancient, social media makes everyone “friends”.
In 2018, a famous video went viral: during a public ceremony, a student greeted Emmanuel Macron with a casual “Ça va, Manu?” and he improvised a little lesson explaining that he expected to be called “Monsieur” or “Monsieur le Président”. Informality is about romantic stories (the neologism “situationship” was born to give a name to sentimental relationships that are so unstructured that they cannot be called “relationships”), the way we communicate, eat and dress. Anything goes, from miner’s jeans to Air Force T-shirts to college sweatshirts. Work clothes and overalls are everyday uniforms and global symbols of modernity. Billionaires wear sweatshirts and slippers (they don’t have to prove anything to anyone anyway), while anyone can afford a second hand, rented or fake Chanel.
We have become accustomed to eating and drinking on the street, and restaurants set the table without tablecloths. It happens to see people in the supermarket in pajamas or bathrobes, without obvious psychiatric problems.
Showing yourself fragile works
«There was a time, not far away, in which it was considered inappropriate (and for me it still is) to wear makeup or take care of one’s hygiene in public» recalls Elisa Motterle. «Today, however, content where you chat while shaving, doing skincare or applying mascara is a genre in itself, with millions of views. I’ve seen stories filmed from the toilet: yes, with the creator speaking while sitting on the toilet. Fitness influencers weighing themselves in their underwear while commenting on their bodies. TikTokers filming still-dripping pregnancy testswhile they wait for the result. And there are even those who have chosen to give birth live on Twitch.”
But why does this happen? When did this growing de-formalization begin? This ambiguous cult of authenticity? Every good or bad way is a reflection of society, its structures, its values. The sociologist Gabriella Turnaturi knows something about it (she has long dealt with good manners and her latest essay Impostors came out by Raffaello Cortina) who recalls how it all began «with the TV truthwhere you talk without shame about sex, children, love, illnesses, betrayals and family dramas” he explains.
«The barrier between public and private has been broken down. Social media did the rest. Showing your fragility, apologizing, crying live are proof of authenticity and a passport for the audience. If you don’t do it, no one follows you. You have to be on stage. They are new rules, they are not good manners, they are just manners! In the book I mention the case of Anna Sorokin, who went to prison for fraud in 2019 and emerged even more famous in 2022, who paid her lawyers by selling her story to Netflix.”
Mature businessman holding the door of a taxi for his female colleague. She’s looking at him and smiling while entering the car
If Trump rants about Truth
The other side of authenticity is performance (see Jeff Bezos’ mega-wedding in Venice) and obviously arrogance. «Until the day before yesterday, every word of a head of state was scrutinized by spokespersons and press offices» underlines Motterle. «Form was substance. Today, the president of the United States argues on social media with his former friends, rants about Truth, and none of his staff stops him. When you lose form, you don’t just lose style: you lose control, authority and, ultimately, substance.” The philosopher Simone Weil was right: “Behind an error in vocabulary there is an error in thought.”
Even Nanni Moretti explains it in the cult Palombella Rossa: “He who speaks badly, thinks badly, lives badly”. In talk shows there is shouting, the hosts who are most successful are like referees in the ring: they regulate the match while their opponents beat each other up, even if only verbally.
Education will change the world
In this race to the bottom, we have started to consider even essential things useless. An example? «I belong to that generation of travelers for whom the possibility of carrying hand luggage in the cabin was part of the plane ticket» explains Motterle. «Today even on scheduled flights you have to pay extra for the trolley: the minimum right has become optional. In Copenhagen, I happened to stay in a hotel where you could get a discount by giving up the cleaning service.”
Turnaturi says: «I was on the sidewalk with a friend in Rome. A boy with a scooter brushes past me. Comment: “Look what you’re doing!”. He stops, gets out and, addressing me as a “lei”, says: “Don’t bother me.” A mixture of old good manners (the lei) and modern nonchalance.”
The subversive exercise of good manners (which will save the world)
The inscription found on a clay fragment dating back to ancient Babylon is amusing: «Young people are malicious and lazy. They will not be able to maintain our culture.” Complaints of this type are classic, but Gabriella Turnaturi remains moderately optimistic: «In the language of young people I have noticed a lot of attention to body shaming, sexist or offensive terms». So is there hope? Motterle, with his courses and his manuals (he wrote three), has no doubts: «In a society that prizes speed over reflection, the scream over the whisper, the reaction over attention, it’s almost a subversive gesture to practice good manners. And I firmly believe that, in the end, they will save the world».