Oma: “My granddaughter (8), the only child of two parents involved, has had great difficulty in doing something without her mother for six months. School and playing parties are no problem, but guest parties at our home and a day out with girlfriends cause problems. She always liked to come to us. Now she has to cry very much at the farewell of her mother and seems to panic. She is difficult to convince that she sees her mother again. My daughter therefore gives her her own necklace so that she still carries something from Mama. That helps.
My daughter has been struggling with health problems for a long time. This is now a lot better. My granddaughter is very intelligent. She reasons like a child aged 11/12. She is starting to ask herself ‘bigger questions’, so she is concerned with themes such as death, and can be intensely sad because of the realization that her dog or her parents will ever die. She sucks on conversations of adults. Nothing misses her. What are the causes of her behavior and how can my granddaughter enjoy staying with us again? ”
Search solutions together
Frank van der Horst: “A child of 8 gets more awareness of the complexity of the world, and will ask big questions that it cannot yet fully process it emotionally. That can be temporarily anxious. If mother is the one with whom she usually finds reassurance, it is extra exciting if he is not close to falling back.
“It can therefore be a normal fear that fits the age. But it can also be ‘regression’: a relapse to an earlier level of development due to an emotional event, such as her mother’s disease. After all, this sensitive girl does not miss anything. The necklace is a nice solution.
“Ask your granddaughter what she is afraid of. Don’t fill in anything, paraphrase what she tells. Children need adults to be able to deal with difficult feelings. Suppose she says, “I have learned that everyone dies, grandma.” Then you can say, “Yes, everyone dies once, and that is also very sad.” That helps her words give to what she feels.
“Search solutions together with your granddaughter to stay. She could have very good ideas about that herself. “
Step by step
Susan Bögels: “Separation anxiety is common in children. It is the fear that they will lose their most important caregiver as soon as they are divorced from him or her. Not wanting to stay is a mild variant of that, sometimes children no longer want to go to school.
“That fear may have arisen due to her concerns about your daughter’s health problems. Children pick up vulnerabilities of parents, and in the event of a long -term illness they take something from an informal care function. Possibly your granddaughter wants to prevent something happening with mother if she is not there.
“Let your granddaughter explain exactly what she is afraid of when she goes out. Let her write, draw, tell. Then go and see together: Can this really happen? For example: do mothers get sick when a child is not at home an evening?
“Go with her the fear step by step. First she comes to you for an hour, then two hours, then stay with the agreement that she can be picked up at any time, even at night. Give your granddaughter control over the situation. For this process you can possibly hire a cognitive behavioral therapist. “
Frank van der Horst is a psychotherapist and specialized in attachment. He is affiliated with Erasmus University Rotterdam. Susan Bögels is professor of Family Mental Health & Mindfulness at the University of Amsterdam.
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