“My 16-year-old daughter is increasingly ‘just’ not coming home in the evenings,” says Karin. “Despite agreements we make with her about an end time with her friends, she stays away without notice. We’ve been struggling with her for some time, have no idea of the people she associates with and we just can’t get through to her. It’s not that it’s just a struggle in the house, but when it comes home things go wrong.”
“My husband and I have the feeling that she has a great need for freedom, perhaps related to the corona crisis. But this doesn’t work. I’m incredibly worried when she doesn’t sleep at home at night. Once back, she brushed those worries away. She ‘just’ stayed overnight with a friend, she says. How should I deal with this?”
Responsibility
It is logical that 16-year-old children need freedom, says adolescent coach Meta Herman de Groot. “It just comes with a certain responsibility. Frameworks and freedom always go hand in hand with that responsibility. In addition, it is important that your daughter knows that you and your husband are very concerned if she does not speak up. She will always have to take you into account, even if she likes to go her own way.”
Vulnerable
“Ask her how she sees this. How come she doesn’t send you a message to let us know where she is? Make yourself vulnerable. Tell her how it feels for you when you are so worried. So try not to be punitive, but to reach her from vulnerability. State your feelings as parents when she doesn’t come home again without notice.”
Take into account
“Ask her also what she needs to do this in a different way that is also pleasant for you. Ask her what freedom means to her and how she could still be considerate of others in the process.”
She is still entitled to her own ‘secrets’ and private, but as long as you as parents are responsible for her, she should also keep to the agreements you make with each other. And if she wants to change the arrangements, you will have to talk to each other.”