23 jul 2022 om 20:58
Mother taboos, do they still exist? In this series we discuss the latest unspoken issues surrounding motherhood. This week: Is it ‘normal’ if you regularly lash out at your children?
By: Anna Jacobs“Sometimes I see other mothers in the playground saying to their child ten times in a soft tone that they should now ‘really stop with the glands’. I have already gotten ten times angry with my child at that moment. I realize that my fuse maybe too short, but I don’t know what to do about it either. I’m afraid it will affect my children and I’m sometimes ashamed that I lose my patience so quickly as a mother,” says Chantal (last name known to the editors ). She is mother of Joah (8 years) and Benji (6 years).
“Let’s put it first: getting angry, being angry or having a short fuse is part of having children. We are not robots and we all sometimes have trouble keeping our emotions under control,” says Carolien Hooijmans. She is a remedial educationalist-generalist and treats children and young people with a variety of problems.
Act like mother
“When you are high in your emotions, you often react to situations as a person and not necessarily as a mother. By reacting as a person, you usually ignore what your child needs. When this happens, it is especially important to then act as a mother again. If you explode because of a potato that ends up on the floor while eating, it is often not about that potato.”
“Often what your child does is just the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It is therefore important to explain this to your child.” Mom was very angry with you for a moment, that was not okay. I am not angry at you, but on myself.’ Or: “Mom reacted just as angry because she’s actually really tired. I shouldn’t have done that, sorry.”
Closing is important
By giving it words, you offer your child safety and clarity, explains Hooymans. “Children quickly relate things to themselves. In addition, children are very sensitive to stress and tension. You also ensure that a child has the opportunity to close this incident.”
“You can even do this with very young children. They may not understand the words, but they can sense what you mean. You grab them for a moment, talk in a calm tone and give a big hug or kiss. closure And that’s what kids need to feel safe with you.”
Even better is to indicate before an eruption that your limit is almost reached. “By saying something like ‘Mom gets angry a little faster now, because I’m very tired’, you make the situation predictable for your child. That predictability is important for a child.”
Be aware of vicious circle
According to Hooijmans, one of the major risks is that you will end up in a negative spiral as a family if you are not feeling well. “In general, children notice it flawlessly if you have a shorter fuse. Sometimes you see that children start sucking and glanding extra because of this.”
Parents and children also influence each other. “If you’re all in a positive mood, that’s great. You’re happy, the kids are happy, the day is relaxed and fun. But if you get up in a bad mood and the kids pick up on this, chances are that “You automatically end up in a vicious circle. It helps to be aware of this vicious circle and to break it in time. Humor works well, but doing something unexpected or going on a trip together also.”
Finally, Hooijmans emphasizes that being out of your mind very regularly is a sign that you have to pay attention. “If you are constantly not feeling well and your children regularly have to pay for it, then I advise you to seek help. Showing your own emotions now and then is not a problem, but structurally expressing strong emotions towards your child is not desirable .”
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