‘THEax being, not so … I do ‘ – the typical phrases They are generally these, pronounced when dad attempts a change of diaper rather than any other gesture of care towards the child. Phrases that undermine an attitude more widespread than you think And that could be the light of a phenomenon to which scientific research has long since given a precise name: maternal gatekeeping, or the tendency by a mother to check, correct or in any case limit Father’s involvement in the care of children. With consequences that have an important impact on maternal mental load but more generally on family well -being.
A phenomenon, that of maternal gatekeeping, widely underestimated but which can become a ‘silent’ obstacle to that shared parenting and that More fair distribution of the domestic workload between mothers and dadsof which we speak so much.
«In literature the term maternal gatekeeping refers to All that set of maternal attitudes that inhibit the active involvement of the father in the care and management of children – he explains Cristina di Loreto, psychotherapist psychologist, founder of ME METHOD FIRST, Psychological empowerment project and personal growth started with a strong focus on support for motherhood and which helps parents, mothers and dads, to overcome the many challenges of parenting.
Maternal gatekeeping: because a mother wants to do everything alone
Why do many mothers end up in the maternal gatekeeping trap? The reasons can be different.
«The first factor to consider is certainly that cultural – explains the expert – In fact, it is necessary to start from the assumption that there is a sort of gatekeeping on the figure of the mothereven in the society in which we live: just think of parental leave legislation or access to the maternity department or to the methods often required for insertion to the nest. There is precisely a sort of ‘institutional matricentrism’which proposes An overlap between maternity and parenting: the message that arrives on a cultural level is that It is the mother who has to act as a caregiver And this ends up affecting both parties very much ».
Stereotypes and surroundings
Also the stereotypes However, they once again have a not negligible weight on this type of phenomenon.
«Maternal Gatekeeping can also depend from the ideology that the woman has compared to gender rolestherefore from all those gender stereotypes that also to individual level We carry on with respect to the fact that, after allwe are mothers who have to deal with certain things. And we are the Tenutiers of the Secrets of Caregiving: we know how children have to dress, What they have to eat, etc. And to this it can be added too an individual psychological predisposition: Maternal Gatekeeping is more frequent in fact in the people very oriented performance and with a tendency to perfectionism and control. Tendency that ends for Leave less delegation margin to othersprimarily to the dad ».
Maternal gatekeeping: how much expectations weigh
Not only that. Scientific research has highlighted others Predictive factors of the risk of maternal gatekeeping.
«Even the expectations about the other parent have a weight – continues Cristina Di Loreto – It has been observed that The more the mother expects her partner to be a certain type of fatherless space will leave the dad. Very strong expectations end up determining that spiral of criticism, of blame, of continuous control that mom exercises on dad when he tries to deal with his children. Another predictive factor also seems to be The quantity and quality of paternal involvement before the birth of the child: that is, it has been seen that The more the second parent is involved in medical examinations and in preparation for childbirth or upon arrival in case of adoptionthe least risks maternal gatekepping. This is why today is believed important the construction of a shared parental project even before the arrival of the child “.
The study on Maternal Gatekeeping
A study British of 2017 Posted in Sex Roles magazine he examined the Phenomenon of Maternal Gatekeepinghighlighting how the ambivalent sexist ideologiesnot only of fathers but also mothers, influence the time and degree of involvement of parents in the care of children. From the research it emerged in particular that, the more a mother showed gatekeeping tendencies, the more time she devoted to her children, the more the father did. Not only that. The mothers with control attitudes They were more involved in all care activities than the fathers. «Although the United Kingdom has one of the major percentages of mothers who work, Most of these do so in part therefore loading himself more than the care of the children And sacrificing, more than their companions, professional life ” – underlines the psychologist.
What happens when mom limits father’s involvement?
Whatever the origin, what is certain is that maternal gatekeeping often has negative repercussions on several fronts.
“It is a dynamic which ends primarily to increase maternal mental load – explains the expert – since he activates a sort of vicious circle, So the more the mother takes care of the care, the less space will leave to the dad. Not only that, it is a attitude that does not allow men to build a paternal identityto be active and involved in the treatment and today we know how important the involvement of dads is. Not to mention that this type of phenomenon impacts also on the couple relationship, because the distrust increases in the partner and generates feelings of inadequacy».
Negative effects also on children
To this add the effects on the well -being of children. “Where there is a father who wants to be involved, limit or discourage his involvement It also has a negative impact on children that could instead benefit from father’s care – underlines the expert. – We must not forget that If the children grow up in a context where it is always and only the mother who takes care of their carewill inevitably end up for absorb gender stereotypes about parenting In addition to hearing the lack of the emotional presence of one of the two parental figures, with the relative Psychological repercussions».
How to get out of this dynamic
The good news? Even when it comes to having to unhinge very rooted stereotypes or to overcome manias of perfectionism and control, Change things you can.
“What you need to do is a job at the level of psychological mindset – suggests Cristina Di Loreto. – you can use the image of the ‘gate’ which is the one to which scientific literature also refers to the theme: that is, it is necessary training to open this gate daily to dads and keep it open». Where to start? “If you realize you are always ready to control, correct or criticize what the dad does when it deals with children, it is good try to escape as much as possible to those moments – suggests the expert – trying to deal with more: sport, leisure or other daily tasks away from home. Whatever it is, the important thing is that help to remove a little bit from the scene‘And therefore in fact to allow this gate to open. “
Rediscover diversity as a value
“It can also be useful focus on thoughts on children And on how much they need to grow by experiencing also a diversity within parental care – underlines the expert – you cannot always give a single reference model and continue to strengthen a stereotype, especially with a generation that is instead experiencing important changes on a cultural level. You have to start In short, to think that diversity is also a value in the approach to care. Whether it’s changing a diaper, preparing a lunch or give help in homework, in short, it is good to think that offering children a different way of doing things can only give more value to the family project».
No to performing parenting
«Equally important – continues the expert – is to be able to do an shift between ‘result performance’ and ‘value performance’, how I like to call it. In fact a Dad who takes care of children is a great family value. For this it is better to abandon the myth of perfection and being able to embrace the value performance that is to say understand how much value there is in moments when dad takes care of the childwithout always being focused on the results of those moments. The figure of the father has long been underestimated by our society and yet The impact that a present father has on the well -being of the children is enormous».
The (precious) role of the father
Precisely to the theme of Paternity Cristina Di Loreto dedicated his latest book “Father’s journey” (Edizioni Red, with a preface by Giorgio Nardone), a strategic guide that offers tools and indications for being fathers present and men made. «In the volume we also talk about How to manage the maternal gatekeeping phenomenon – concludes the psychologist – offering advice on how to intervene When dads intercept this type of attitudes in his partner. Clearly they are not behavior that must be guilty but rather Included, identified and neutralized. There is always something we can do to reverse the course and be able to Break this type of chains That hinder a true shared parenting And who undermine the well -being of mom and dad as well as family serenity ».
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