Vmeeting every Sunday for lunch, unsolicited opinions, criticism and judgment at every opportunity, unnecessary comparisons and comparisons, boundaries not respected. And the list goes on. Pushy in-laws aren’t just a perfect cliché for a romantic comedy, they’re an everyday reality experienced by many couples. Which, if they want to overcome the problem, they must make a common front. Otherwise the risk could also be divorce.
Intrusive in-laws, the 5 most common toxic behaviors
Who are the intrusive in-laws? It is the parents who, in any way, always cross the couple’s boundary. Whether it is with an out of place comment, for a negative opinion always expressed or for unexpected visits that result in real “invasions of the field”. Pushy in-laws must always interfere in the couple’s decisions, even when their opinion or support is not required.
«There are many behaviors that intrusive in-laws can have, though the most widespread are mainly five. The first is undoubtedly that of give unsolicited advice, always and in any case. Even more so if there are grandchildren, so as to assert their position as grandparents. The second is to express judgements, which are obviously always negative. This behavior usually goes hand in hand with that of always make comparisonswith another son-in-law or another daughter-in-law or worse with an ex-partner. Added to this is a real invasive behavior, such as showing up at the couple’s home without warningnot respecting its real boundaries, and maybe even snooping around the house. In fourth place is arousing the sense of guilt which is usually expressed with expressions such as “Don’t ever call me” or “We never see each other”. Finally the judging your partner, whether in his presence or not. All of these behaviors are intrusive and toxic» explains the doctor Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapistexpert in couple life and author of several essays on emotional life. Attitudes that not only they create stress in the life of a couple but which, if not contained, can even lead to divorce.
At the root of the problem, why are in-laws intrusive?
There are different causes behind these behaviors. The first is certainly that of thinking that the partner has “taken away” their son or daughter, thus breaking up the family of origin. And this happens «when the child is still “too child”, that is, he has not left this mode to begin to enter that of partner. A behavior that leads to not stopping intrusive parents.”
The other triggering reason is the jealousy. It manifests itself above all when the parent, usually the mother towards her male children but the opposite can also happen, senses that she has lost her central role in her child’s life. AND he is unable to accept that he is no longer his emotional and affective priority, “replaced” by another person.
Jealousy usually manifests itself discrediting the partner, trying to take control over the couple’s decisions And showing resentment through passive-aggressive behavior. In some cases, certain behaviors can be sabotaging, for example, arriving late for important celebrations, forgetting important details, always wanting to be the center of attention, or ruining a nice moment. Behavior that intensifies with important changes in the couple’s life, for example marriage or the birth of a child. These moments that underline the couple’s independence exacerbate possessive behaviors.
How to deal with the problem
How to behave in the face of these behaviors? «In these cases precedence belongs to the new family, which is why the original family must be restrained in a polite but firm manner. AND It is therefore essential that the partner changes his attitude towards his parents. In fact, these behaviors usually happen because since childhood children have always supported their parents, pleasing them. A behavior that as adults, especially when there are two of you, must change” explains the expert.
It is fundamental in these cases have a stable couple, so as to play as a team, and know that you are on the “same side”: «Some responses from the partner such as “You know my mother is like that” are not suitable because they can undermine the trust you have in your partner: very often this behavior is experienced as a betrayal by those who suffer it. The aspect that is never considered is that, if well managed, in-laws can be a great support for the couple. As long as they don’t cross certain boundaries or are stopped if they do so” concludes the expert.
