Grandfathers and grandmothers who fill their grandchild with sweets, while the parents have a sugar-free upbringing in mind. A mother-in-law who keeps squeezing the baby into a sweater without being asked because she is dressed too cold. Or take the comment ‘just let it cry, otherwise it will spoil it’. A little survey yields enough anecdotes about meddling in-laws. How do you deal with that?
This is what the experts say
With the arrival of a baby, family relationships suddenly change. In the past, the in-laws only came by at Christmas and birthdays, suddenly they are on the doorstep every week with well-intentioned advice about sleep and nutrition. After all, it’s their grandchild. ‘Grandparenthood is a chance for life again’, says family therapist and publicist Else-Marie van den Eerenbeemt. ‘Perhaps Grandpa and Grandma regret the strict parenting rules that applied in their day. Or Grandpa saw little of his own child.’
In the background there is often a battle between the two families. ‘The maternity woman draws a lot towards her mother, sometimes to the irritation of the partner and his parents, who feel excluded’, according to the therapist. The brand new mother, in turn, has difficulty with the fact that her baby is being pulled into her husband’s family story without being asked. “She’s told the baby looks just like Uncle Theo, but bald, even though she’s never heard of Uncle Theo.”
This claiming behavior may cause irritation, but you should cherish that family history in the interest of your growing child, emphasizes Van den Eerenbeemt. “Little children are curious about where they come from: can I see pictures from when Daddy was little? Did that bear used to belong to Mama?’ Only grandparents can provide those answers. So it’s not worth risking the relationship over a chocolate bar right before dinner.
Complicating the situation is that parenting attitudes between the two generations are quite different. ‘In the past, parents and grandparents were more on the same page,’ says children’s coach Tea Adema. ‘And grandfathers and grandmothers feel more entitled to interference because they babysit more often.’
That’s how you do it
‘Try to find out what fears are hidden behind the comments’, tips Thea Adema. “Maybe they’re afraid you’ll roll over on the child if you put the baby in your bed. Just ask: what are you worried about? That’s how you take off the sharp edges.’
Adema shares the anecdote of a young mother who didn’t want anyone to hold her baby because that would be bad for bonding. Her mother-in-law was deeply hurt. ‘Yet as a mother-in-law you have to respect that, because you used to want people to listen to you too.’
It is easier to be honest with one’s own parents than with the in-laws. ‘Let the person whose parents they are raise the issue,’ says Adema. ‘Make the message personal: ‘I think it is important that my child does not eat a lot of sugar’, and stay away from the accusations.’
‘Don’t have the conversation with your in-laws yourself, because that will only be painful’, Van den Eerenbeemt agrees. ‘Tell your husband: walk your mother to the train and get the message across that she should stop by less often. He promises. Does he do it too? No of course not. Instead, he says, “Shall I come to you more often, Mom?”
A little humor can also help, as Mother Uche Madson in a video on Instagram: ‘Just a quick note to my mother-in-law: can you please stop teaching how to raise my children? I live with one of your children. And I’m not always a fan of your work.’