THEAnd do you ask for advice? It is immediately ready to criticize. A favor? Punctually it won’t do it. Do you have an appointment? It is late, or maybe unpacks at the last, and when he arrives he doesn’t even apologize. Friendly-friendly relationships, in Fornemis jargon, are complex, indeed complicated, yet they carry out because “you have known each other for years”is the most widespread explanation. Yet they are truly toxic relationships.
Little friends, when friendship becomes toxic
The Anglo -Saxons call them Fornemies, union between Friend (friend) and Enemy (enemy) and are very particular friendly relationships in which the other person does not miss an opportunity to criticize, not to rejoice in the successes of others, not to team up. In short, contains all negative behaviors: «It is a particular category of gray friends with whom Ambivalent and unreliable relationships are established, and for this reason a source of emotional stress due to the contrast between different feelings such as anxiety and tension. Specifically with the term Fornemies, reference is made to those ambiguous/ambivalent and paradoxical relationships in which friends can also be enemies at the same time»Explains the Dr. Elisa Stefanati Psychotherapist at the Aesthe Medical Poliambulatorio in Ferrara.
“After an exit with them, you feel judged, inadequate or in competitionas if we had had to take an examination without being prepared. Psychological research confirms that These dynamics generate more stress than an open conflict, because they force us to a constant alert state. Often they are bonds born in obligatory contexts (childhood, work, family) who have not been able to evolve »adds the DOttor Federico Rossi, psychologist and psychotherapist, available on myodottore.
Although with this type of people there are moments of closeness, affinity and confidence, in reality these can be counted on the fingers of one hand because these relationships rest on tensions, conflicts, competitiveness and envy of the other person. “The primary consequence? Malaise and psychological stress caused unreliability and emotional instability basically that characterizes these relationships. Are types of relationships that they generate conflicting anxiety and emotions, with a strong impact on psychophysical well -being, up to cardiovascular diseases also»Explains the doctor.
NEW friends are worse than a simple enemy
“From friends you look at me God, that from the enemies I look at myself” says an old adage that adapts perfectly to the situation. Because this kind of people are actually more dangerous than “simple” enemies: “Normally from a friendship or a sentimental relationship we expect empathy, understanding, complicity, confidence support, loyalty and trust, but These unstable and high -rate of ambiguities generate profound frustrations within the relationship for the component of unpredictability that maintains the body and brain in a condition of “alert” and constant “alarm”. The brain in the face of unpredictability and imponderability is maintained in a method of defense and hypervigilance that involve the growth of cortisol (stress hormone) and the increase in blood pressure».
On the contrary, however, a relationship based on ambiguous behaviors, first positive and then negative, if not even stressful, not only creates an ambiguous and destabilizing bond but above all It prevents body and mind from relaxing: “With these people you are therefore in constant tensiona situation very similar to that lived in a chronic alarm context, e It can lead over time to heart problems, insomnia, chronic tiredness, anxious paintings and mood disorders».
But how are these relationships born? “These bonds often arise from an authentic understanding: a deep friendship, a passionate love, a professional alliance. Over time, however, Competitions, divergences of life or promises not kept come into play. The other knows our fragility and instead of guarding them can transform them into arms. It slips into envy And which can be of two types: “Benign/constructive” (a stimulus to improve) or “malignant/destructive”, where desire is not to rise but dominate the other by lowering it “adds Dr. Rossi.
So how to behave? «By asking a question: am I referring to love or fear? If the answer is “fear” (of the void, of the judgment, of solitude), then you already have an answer. And it is time to give priority to one’s well -being. Also because These relationships hardly improveOn the contrary. Neuroscience explain why it is so difficult to close: love and hatred activate similar and archaic brain circuits, such as the Putamen and the Insula, which manage visceral emotions and the impulse to action. Hate, like love, implies intimacy (denied), passion and commitment: they are cousins more than enemies. Between the two the difference lies in the prefrontal cortex. In hatred he ‘off, allowing the anger to take over, while in love he pushes us to suspend the judgment. In fact, the true opposite of love is not hatred, but indifference ».
Why do these reports are carrying out?
A portrait not at all flattering this kind of relationship and people, who can happen to meet. Yet often These friendships have been lasting for a long time, perhaps even from childhood. How is it possible? “First of all, precisely because frentes are often part of our narrower circle. Strict friends of childhood, long -standing colleagues, sometimes even relatives. Effective duties, guilt senses sometimes prevent taking distance from these questions that we can define as “toxic” in all respects. When these relationships begin in youth age it is more difficult to recognize the discomfortand a long shared history can push to tolerate these unprocessed relationships and a source of “grane” ».
To this is added the “convenience”. In fact, they are often relationships that carry out for professional purposes or not to ruin the family balances or the rest of the friend group making “good face in a bad game”. However, it is fundamental be aware of the type of relationship that is and that, if you cannot break it, treat it with due ways. «It is important to keep in mind that This kind of relationships are not healthy nor are they good, even physicallyto the person. A quality bond is not only based on affinity, but also on trust, mutual support and respect ».