TUtti look for love, but those who find it sometimes instead of feeling well suffers. Often, without even realizing it, they find themselves trapped in a non -healthy relationship, which instead of nourishing drys off the energies. The book What love is not – a small sentimental self -defense manual He wants to be helping in the difficult task of recognizing a toxic relationship. Because, as the author writes Gianfranco Damico In the introduction: “Nobody still knows what love really is, that nature has this” thing “that pushes people to get together and then to be together in time or to slide away from each other”.
Gianfranco Damico’s book on the sentimental self -defense
“To love is to give what you don’t have”said Jaques Lacan. This intense aphorism captures the essence of the couple’s bond in its purest form: generosity, the disinterested gift to the other, without expecting anything in return. Yet even after decades, the news continues to tell us about relationships that degenerate, stories that end badly, situations of abuse. Every day episodes emerge that reveal a truth difficult to accept: many people, of all ages, struggle to recognize that everyone has the right to end a relationship in which he no longer feels comfortable.
But to do this, you first need an awareness. To reflect on these themes is the Sicilian writer – sociologist and philosopher of training, coach expert in personal well -being and organizational excellence – which in his latest book, published by Feltrinelli last February, analyzes in depth the dynamics of those who remain hostage to toxic relationships.
Iodonna’s interview with the author Gianfranco Damico
The triggering factors of this Relationship crisis There are multiple: from social pressure – still very strong – that pushes to stay in pairs at any cost, to the poor incentive to cultivate independence and individual autonomy within the relationship. To these are added the gender stereotypes, fueled by a cultural humus which, although covered by a patina of emancipation, preserves a nucleus still crystallized in the abyss of the time.
The cover of the book by Gianfranco Damico “What love is not”. (Photo Courtesy of Press Office)
In his long experience, human and professional, Damico met too many splendid people (mainly women) who pay very high prices just to remain in pairs. It is from here that this volume is born, written with an anthropological approach, which faces the relationship to two going beyond genres and sexual guidelines. The intent is ambitious and necessary: to encourage a cultural education process, large and truly effective. But is it really possible to change positive?
We asked him directly to him, in our exclusive interview:
D – the news, almost every day, tells of people – of all ages – who cannot accept the end of a relationship. In your opinion, what are the profound causes of this refusal? Why, despite talking so much, certain mechanisms continue to repeat themselves?
A – In part, everything stems from an imitative drag mechanism: the mind focuses on what we are talking about most. And if on the one hand the sensitivity towards certain phenomena grows, on the other this continuous story ends up fixing itself in thought. Not only that. Even beautiful films or apparently harmless songs, repeated over time, turn into real beliefs. They stratify within us and, in the long run, we tend to implement them. In moments of psychological fragility, these toxic seeds can sprout.
When a person is left and finds himself without inner resources, he can explode a profound discomfort. And this is where the risk is born. It is a transversal phenomenon: certain extreme actions are expected to derive from marginal or problematic contexts, but often take place within what we call “normality”. In my book, I start from here: the hypothesis is that at the base there are toxic beliefs about love, rooted in popular culture and perceived as normal. Each chapter has one of these distorted ideas, which analyzes in depth.
D – Words are important: tolerance, kindness, self -defense – as the title of his book also recalls. But is there a way so that these concepts really take root, even on an emotional level? And what can the parents of teenagers do concretely, in a system where family influence is real but often limited?
A – Despite the struggles and conquests of feminism, the most recent studies show that, on the issue of respect for the woman, they are taking steps back. It is a worrying signal. Another important problem is the progressive divorce of alliance between school and family. Two areas that, once, cooperated in education, today often find themselves disconnected, if not in conflict.
This is also why I wrote the book: with the hope that it will arrive in the places where it dialogues with the children – schools, libraries, educational centers – and bring to light what does not work. We need to teach respect. It is necessary to educate to self -care. But everything starts from awareness: understand who you are, what your values are, what it means to have healthy borders for you. Without this basis, it is difficult to build relationships that are not unbalanced or harmful.
Good borders = good friends
The final part of the book focuses on the power of questions, a crucial habit to cultivate self-listening. We must preside over. Too many times, unfortunately, you realize the late Red Flags.
For this reason it is essential that the limits are clear, visible, heard. As Damico says, good boundaries make good friends. To the other, what is not accepted, what hurts, what does not tolerate, must be strong and clear. A question, more than all, can ask for a compass: “Is it tiring to be as you are, when are you with him/her?”. If the answer is yes, something is wrong. It is a strong signal. It is not said that it is the end, but for sure it is the beginning of a dialogue that must be opened, in the hope that it will be constructive.
And finally, a simple but powerful invitation: do not wonder what, in the abstract, love is. Ask yourself how it makes you stay. Love is not that of Hollywood films. Love is presence, listening, mutual adjustments. It is learning, together, to take a few steps towards each other.
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